Naked pt.1

I always knew my testimony was something I was suppose to share to help deliver someone else. I just didn't know how much I was suppose to reveal and exactly when it was appropriate to do so. I had always carried this short of leeriness that I laid in the background, because I felt that, in the wrong hands, this information could be detrimental, but is God is a God of secrets and darkness? What the devil meant for evil and to bound us with, God will turn that same thing around and make it for your good and for HIS glory. What's the point of holding on to it? Releasing it shows that it has no power over you.

God had to bring me to a breaking point for me to realize what HE was bringing out of me was bigger than and pain or heartache that I was feeling and that what it was going to accomplish was for the breaking of chains and the bring down of strongholds. HE started removing things I loved and isolating me, and I couldn't understand exactly why. I tried to make sense of what was going on, but in those quite moments, when I would hang my ego up and was completely naked with myself I felt like I was going crazy and had completely lost control of what was going on in my life. I was active in ministry (at least I thought I was active enough), I had finally gotten to a place in God, where things that use to be a stumbling block for me, wasn't anymore. I truly had finally after many broken promises and disappointments from man, achieved joy in my life.

When the seasonal transition in my life came, I tried to flow with it and I was praying and fasting, but instead of getting stronger, I felt weaker. It seemed as though God wasn't hearing me. I would ask why, and instead of answering that question, HE would simply say "stand still". After a while I got restless; I couldn't really comprehend what it was I was suppose to be learning from all of this. I got so frustrated that I began desiring anything to keep my focus off what I was feeling. I had a moment when I was hitting the gym really hard, then I got too busy with other things, I then I found myself eating too much, then it was shopping, then kicking it with people I shouldn't have been kicking it with. I was getting mad at my boyfriend, feeling hurt by him and my best friend even though they were just doing what they're suppose to do; looking out for me.

Just as I was feeling like I was loosing a sense of who Brittany was, and backtracking, God spoke. I was in the alter working room at my church, praying for a young lady, with two other seasoned alter workers. I was asked to pray us out. Once I finished, one of the other ladies, said that they should pray for me and my strength, since I had so much on my plate ministry and work wise, and they could tell it was beginning to wear me thin.  As they both began praying for me, the spirit took completely over. One lady took over praying for me solely. She then said, "God said that you are the Esther of your generation. You are the gate keeper. You know what holiness is, you are suppose to be that example of holiness. God said that you shall not take part in any pleasure in this season, for you have a work to do. HE says,  'I will send you visions and dreams, and I will show you the devil himself and his demons, but fear not!'"

So of course, I was blown away. I had been told before, that I was Esther, but the other part blew me. That week I tried to pay close attention to my dreams. I thought I had missed something because the only unusual dream I had was that I was pregnant and my mom also dreamed that I was pregnant that week. Originally I took that dream for face value and I was like "Lord are you trying to tell I'm be pregnant soon?!" (after marriage of course), but one of my sorority sisters actually interpreted  those dreams, saying that I was about to give birth to something in ministry. Then I said, "Okay, God, I need all of this to make sense to me. What is it that I'm not already doing that you need me to do?" It wasn't until this past week, when one of the young girls that I know bravely shared something very personal, that I got the revelation of my purpose in this season.

My Transparency and Ramblings

I have a confession, the past couple of days I have not been happy and have been far away from God. Although to others it may not have seemed as thought I have physically done anything that we as humans would consider a sin, I have not been operating in the will. This began when all the post about graduation when up on Facebook, and a sense of shame and depression came over me. Then I begin to think about the fact that I feel alone. I have noticed that it seems as though I have been isolated. I notice that I'm the one always calling people to see how there are and it's rare that my phone rings just to have a convo with some who just wants to see how my day is going. I see post about outtings that I wasn't invited to and yes I get bumbed out about it. And for me it's like a domino effect. Once I feel down about one thing, everything that i'm hurt by or ashamed about surfaces. And those are triggers that causing me to fall back into old habbits, which in turn triggers me be ashamed of my current actions, and the fact that I'm disappointing my Father. Here is were I am:

• I am very lonely
• I have not forgiven myself for the things I have done in the past and very ashame of who I was
• I am upset with myself that I have not accomplished what I set to accomplished at this age
• I am fearfully of hitting 30 without being married and having a child. 

These are all half trues that I allow the enemy to get me down about (emphases on that fact that I allow it, we need to take responsible for thing that we do to ourselves and stop blaming every thing on the devil, he has no power, but what we give him. We have power and dominion over him). Now here is what is true. I did not leave school because I flunked out. I had made bad financial decisions years ago that caused a domino effect of things to occurs which brought me to a point of owing some money in order for me to register for my last semester of school. It wasn't a huge amount of money, but I didn't have it to pay at the time. I asked my parents to help me. They came up with the money but we had a emergency situation back home which cause my parent to have to use the money that we can up with. As I scrambled to come up the money, I ask the Lord to have his way anyhow. Needless to say, we never came up with the money. So I said "ok Lord, I guess this means that you want me to go ahead and go to hair school now, instead of waiting until after I graduate like I had planned." So I when ahead and enrolled at the school down in Bloomington. Well, things weren't working out for me to be able to live in Bloomington and go to school there, so I was forced to come home. The Lord later revealed, that he need to remove me from my surroundings because it was more of a hindering for me spiritually.

 Now the devil likes to whisper things to me like "Your just a failure. You don't have anything going for yourself. See, people who started school years after you have graduated. You can't find a job making over $1000 a month because you don't have a degree. I thought your God was going to take care of you. You were doing better before. You had your own place, you were independent, and that was what was attractive about you. You at least had someone to hold you at night. Look at you now, you live with your mother, your alone, people are distancing themselves from you, you might as well go back to how you were, you will feel more vaildated." LIES!!!!!!!!!!! 
Reality:

• All of my needs have been met. 
• I am still in school. 
• I have been blessed with a new car that is way better than the one I had before. 
• Although I haven't had a car in 3 cars I can count on 1 hand how many times I have had to catch the bus. 
• I just placed 4th out 21 competitiors in a national hair competition.
• For the 10 months I have been unemployed I can count on one hand how many times I have been literally without ANY money. 
• I just went from being close to being fired from my job to just offered a promotion. 
• The reason people are disappearing from my life, I asked God to remove people who are not edifying my walk with HIM. 

He has to remove some people to make room for the ones who he is placing around me that are going to bless me and provide an edifying friendship/relationship. It's ok though, because everyone can't go with you. Although, things may not be happening in my time table or for that matter on the time table other may think that it is should, it's happening in HIS perfect time. He is the author of time. I have nothing to worry about because all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord. You know what, God has made me some promises and as long I walk up rightly before Him, He has to do what HE said that He was going to do.

The devil's job is to distract us, and he does this by feeding us a word that is contray to what God said. And some times we can be foolish and believe what the devil says verses what God says b/c we are too busy concentrating on what we see now and not on what God is preparing for us. For example, people like to ask me this question: "what if the Lord wants you to be by yourself forever?" That's fine, but that's not what he has for me. How do I know, (#1) prophecy is suppose to confirm what God has already told you. God already gave me a word and it wasn't that I was going to be alone forever. He is preparing me. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it not in the works. I asked God to reveal what he has for me and he did, and I was like "really, God??? I can't see that but ok, prepare me for it". (And he made it plain, but you can't always tell every one all the detail because not everyone is for you. But what God has for you is for you) Now how long it takes is base on how long it takes for me to fulfill my purpose in my singleness.  And honestly as much as I would LOVE to be married, heck in a relationship for that matter, I'm not ready yet. He said that he would give me the desires of my heart, and it is my desire that when get married that I be financially sound on my own and at this point I'm not there. I desire a man to compliment me not complete me, so for me I need to have my own first. I don't desire to jump from my mother taking care of me to my husband taking care of me. And too, I know the role the of a wife and I don't fully have that down pat yet. I'm still in training. And on the relationship tip, I have not been APPROACHED by a GODLY man yet. (How can two walk together unless they agree) I can be honest and say yes, I struggle with lust (who doesn't) and if I'm with someone who doesn't desire to live Godly then that is a set up for disaster. (Learned that the hard way)

Ok, enough with all my ramblings. Moral of the story is: keep your eye on what God has promised, keep pressing toward the mark of the high calling. Yes, you are going to have your days but don't get stuck in Lo Debar, GET UP FROM THERE AND KEEP IT MOVING!!! Most importantly don't allow the enemy to distract you by feeding you a word contrary from THE WORD. I'm-ma keep pressing, and I hope you do too. Pray for me and I'm going to pray for you all. LOVE YOU ALL!




This blessed me today and inspired to to actually share my struggle:
http://allthingsnina.blogspot.com/2012/05/you-are-enough-encouragement-post.html
By Nina at allthingsnina.blogspot.com. Check her out and support her!