Wednesday, May 16, 2012
My Transparency and Ramblings
I have a confession, the past couple of days I have not been happy and have been far away from God. Although to others it may not have seemed as thought I have physically done anything that we as humans would consider a sin, I have not been operating in the will. This began when all the post about graduation when up on Facebook, and a sense of shame and depression came over me. Then I begin to think about the fact that I feel alone. I have noticed that it seems as though I have been isolated. I notice that I'm the one always calling people to see how there are and it's rare that my phone rings just to have a convo with some who just wants to see how my day is going. I see post about outtings that I wasn't invited to and yes I get bumbed out about it. And for me it's like a domino effect. Once I feel down about one thing, everything that i'm hurt by or ashamed about surfaces. And those are triggers that causing me to fall back into old habbits, which in turn triggers me be ashamed of my current actions, and the fact that I'm disappointing my Father. Here is were I am:
These are all half trues that I allow the enemy to get me down about (emphases on that fact that I allow it, we need to take responsible for thing that we do to ourselves and stop blaming every thing on the devil, he has no power, but what we give him. We have power and dominion over him). Now here is what is true. I did not leave school because I flunked out. I had made bad financial decisions years ago that caused a domino effect of things to occurs which brought me to a point of owing some money in order for me to register for my last semester of school. It wasn't a huge amount of money, but I didn't have it to pay at the time. I asked my parents to help me. They came up with the money but we had a emergency situation back home which cause my parent to have to use the money that we can up with. As I scrambled to come up the money, I ask the Lord to have his way anyhow. Needless to say, we never came up with the money. So I said "ok Lord, I guess this means that you want me to go ahead and go to hair school now, instead of waiting until after I graduate like I had planned." So I when ahead and enrolled at the school down in Bloomington. Well, things weren't working out for me to be able to live in Bloomington and go to school there, so I was forced to come home. The Lord later revealed, that he need to remove me from my surroundings because it was more of a hindering for me spiritually.
Now the devil likes to whisper things to me like "Your just a failure. You don't have anything going for yourself. See, people who started school years after you have graduated. You can't find a job making over $1000 a month because you don't have a degree. I thought your God was going to take care of you. You were doing better before. You had your own place, you were independent, and that was what was attractive about you. You at least had someone to hold you at night. Look at you now, you live with your mother, your alone, people are distancing themselves from you, you might as well go back to how you were, you will feel more vaildated." LIES!!!!!!!!!!!
Reality:
He has to remove some people to make room for the ones who he is placing around me that are going to bless me and provide an edifying friendship/relationship. It's ok though, because everyone can't go with you. Although, things may not be happening in my time table or for that matter on the time table other may think that it is should, it's happening in HIS perfect time. He is the author of time. I have nothing to worry about because all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord. You know what, God has made me some promises and as long I walk up rightly before Him, He has to do what HE said that He was going to do.
The devil's job is to distract us, and he does this by feeding us a word that is contray to what God said. And some times we can be foolish and believe what the devil says verses what God says b/c we are too busy concentrating on what we see now and not on what God is preparing for us. For example, people like to ask me this question: "what if the Lord wants you to be by yourself forever?" That's fine, but that's not what he has for me. How do I know, (#1) prophecy is suppose to confirm what God has already told you. God already gave me a word and it wasn't that I was going to be alone forever. He is preparing me. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it not in the works. I asked God to reveal what he has for me and he did, and I was like "really, God??? I can't see that but ok, prepare me for it". (And he made it plain, but you can't always tell every one all the detail because not everyone is for you. But what God has for you is for you) Now how long it takes is base on how long it takes for me to fulfill my purpose in my singleness. And honestly as much as I would LOVE to be married, heck in a relationship for that matter, I'm not ready yet. He said that he would give me the desires of my heart, and it is my desire that when get married that I be financially sound on my own and at this point I'm not there. I desire a man to compliment me not complete me, so for me I need to have my own first. I don't desire to jump from my mother taking care of me to my husband taking care of me. And too, I know the role the of a wife and I don't fully have that down pat yet. I'm still in training. And on the relationship tip, I have not been APPROACHED by a GODLY man yet. (How can two walk together unless they agree) I can be honest and say yes, I struggle with lust (who doesn't) and if I'm with someone who doesn't desire to live Godly then that is a set up for disaster. (Learned that the hard way)
Ok, enough with all my ramblings. Moral of the story is: keep your eye on what God has promised, keep pressing toward the mark of the high calling. Yes, you are going to have your days but don't get stuck in Lo Debar, GET UP FROM THERE AND KEEP IT MOVING!!! Most importantly don't allow the enemy to distract you by feeding you a word contrary from THE WORD. I'm-ma keep pressing, and I hope you do too. Pray for me and I'm going to pray for you all. LOVE YOU ALL!
This blessed me today and inspired to to actually share my struggle:
http://
By Nina at allthingsnina.blogspot.com. Check her out and support her!
- I am very lonely
- I have not forgiven myself for the things I have done in the past and very ashame of who I was
- I am upset with myself that I have not accomplished what I set to accomplished at this age
- I am fearfully of hitting 30 without being married and having a child.
These are all half trues that I allow the enemy to get me down about (emphases on that fact that I allow it, we need to take responsible for thing that we do to ourselves and stop blaming every thing on the devil, he has no power, but what we give him. We have power and dominion over him). Now here is what is true. I did not leave school because I flunked out. I had made bad financial decisions years ago that caused a domino effect of things to occurs which brought me to a point of owing some money in order for me to register for my last semester of school. It wasn't a huge amount of money, but I didn't have it to pay at the time. I asked my parents to help me. They came up with the money but we had a emergency situation back home which cause my parent to have to use the money that we can up with. As I scrambled to come up the money, I ask the Lord to have his way anyhow. Needless to say, we never came up with the money. So I said "ok Lord, I guess this means that you want me to go ahead and go to hair school now, instead of waiting until after I graduate like I had planned." So I when ahead and enrolled at the school down in Bloomington. Well, things weren't working out for me to be able to live in Bloomington and go to school there, so I was forced to come home. The Lord later revealed, that he need to remove me from my surroundings because it was more of a hindering for me spiritually.
Now the devil likes to whisper things to me like "Your just a failure. You don't have anything going for yourself. See, people who started school years after you have graduated. You can't find a job making over $1000 a month because you don't have a degree. I thought your God was going to take care of you. You were doing better before. You had your own place, you were independent, and that was what was attractive about you. You at least had someone to hold you at night. Look at you now, you live with your mother, your alone, people are distancing themselves from you, you might as well go back to how you were, you will feel more vaildated." LIES!!!!!!!!!!!
Reality:
- All of my needs have been met.
- I am still in school.
- I have been blessed with a new car that is way better than the one I had before.
- Although I haven't had a car in 3 cars I can count on 1 hand how many times I have had to catch the bus.
- I just placed 4th out 21 competitiors in a national hair competition.
- For the 10 months I have been unemployed I can count on one hand how many times I have been literally without ANY money.
- I just went from being close to being fired from my job to just offered a promotion.
- The reason people are disappearing from my life, I asked God to remove people who are not edifying my walk with HIM.
He has to remove some people to make room for the ones who he is placing around me that are going to bless me and provide an edifying friendship/relationship. It's ok though, because everyone can't go with you. Although, things may not be happening in my time table or for that matter on the time table other may think that it is should, it's happening in HIS perfect time. He is the author of time. I have nothing to worry about because all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord. You know what, God has made me some promises and as long I walk up rightly before Him, He has to do what HE said that He was going to do.
The devil's job is to distract us, and he does this by feeding us a word that is contray to what God said. And some times we can be foolish and believe what the devil says verses what God says b/c we are too busy concentrating on what we see now and not on what God is preparing for us. For example, people like to ask me this question: "what if the Lord wants you to be by yourself forever?" That's fine, but that's not what he has for me. How do I know, (#1) prophecy is suppose to confirm what God has already told you. God already gave me a word and it wasn't that I was going to be alone forever. He is preparing me. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it not in the works. I asked God to reveal what he has for me and he did, and I was like "really, God??? I can't see that but ok, prepare me for it". (And he made it plain, but you can't always tell every one all the detail because not everyone is for you. But what God has for you is for you) Now how long it takes is base on how long it takes for me to fulfill my purpose in my singleness. And honestly as much as I would LOVE to be married, heck in a relationship for that matter, I'm not ready yet. He said that he would give me the desires of my heart, and it is my desire that when get married that I be financially sound on my own and at this point I'm not there. I desire a man to compliment me not complete me, so for me I need to have my own first. I don't desire to jump from my mother taking care of me to my husband taking care of me. And too, I know the role the of a wife and I don't fully have that down pat yet. I'm still in training. And on the relationship tip, I have not been APPROACHED by a GODLY man yet. (How can two walk together unless they agree) I can be honest and say yes, I struggle with lust (who doesn't) and if I'm with someone who doesn't desire to live Godly then that is a set up for disaster. (Learned that the hard way)
Ok, enough with all my ramblings. Moral of the story is: keep your eye on what God has promised, keep pressing toward the mark of the high calling. Yes, you are going to have your days but don't get stuck in Lo Debar, GET UP FROM THERE AND KEEP IT MOVING!!! Most importantly don't allow the enemy to distract you by feeding you a word contrary from THE WORD. I'm-ma keep pressing, and I hope you do too. Pray for me and I'm going to pray for you all. LOVE YOU ALL!
This blessed me today and inspired to to actually share my struggle:
http://
By Nina at allthingsnina.blogspot.com. Check her out and support her!
Daily Prayer of Love
Worthy of Love
Not everyone has the special family that I have, nor do they have the extra opportunities to open their hearts in the way my family does. We are not limited by what the neighbors think nor by society's current popular prejudices. We are far more than that. We are a family that come from love and we accept with pride every unique member. We are all special, and we are all worthy of love. I love and accept each member of my wonderful family, and they in turn love and adore me...We are save and all is well in order world.
- Louise L. Hay
A happy family is but an earlier heaven.
-Sir John Bowring
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Daily pray of Love
Loving Those Who Hurt Us
Return to the Lord, your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and relents from punishing.
Joel 2:13
Lord, this really hurts. My Heart is broken and my faith in love has been shattered. Help me find my way back to wholeness with in. I know that one day I will love again. but right now, I am angry and lost. I know that learning to forgive the one who hurt me is the fastest path to new love, but right now I need all the help I can get just to keep my chin up and my head held high. Help me heal my heart and find it even stronger than before. Help me to one day get to the point where I can forgive, find the lesson in all of this, and move on. Help me show compassion to myself and to the one who caused me this pain. Help me, Lord.
Love isn't always easy to give, but the
giving is always worth it.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
The Most Dangerous Part of your Body
On a recent trip to Detroit with my youth department, I shared a room with my mother, her friend (who happens to be my spiritual mentor), and my Soror, we were sharing funny stories, experiences, and reactions to things that were happening during the conference that we were attending. We were talking about how I can viewed as stand-off-ish or unfriendly at times, which is completely untrue if you are close to me. I'm just cautious as to who allow close to me. (Love everyone, but its not like im clambering for friends, I'll speak and laugh and talk but I don't sit down and have dinner, and just invite everyone into my personal area, that would be foolish) But any way, mother asked the question "can you tell that Brittany use to talk a lot? I use to get calls from the teacher because she couldn't shut her mouth in class". The others shook their heads no and kinda laughed in shock and disbelief.
Well yes it's true I did have this problem, and I had gotten better, due to maturing and life experiences made me more of an introvert, but I do still have my moment of struggle with speaking. Beside the fact that when I'm sleepy I get either (1) extremely cranky or (2) extremely talkative and silly, the Lord had been dealing with me about running to other with my problem rather than coming to Him.
For the sake of transparency, I had a problem with drinking, and I drake to deal w/ my issues, (well clearly that's not good and a drunkenness is a sin), after I got saved, I stopped getting drunk to deal w/ or numb my issues, and I began to talk about things. While that's good, you don't have to tell people everything. There are somethings that you need to just take to God in prayer.
Another issue of the mouth, that, Yes I HAVE, is timing. My spiritual mentor always quotes "Everything that is lawful is not expedient" (1 Corinthians 6:12). Which means, you may be right in what you are saying but that may have not been the time to say it. In the past few weeks the Lord has been trying to bring my issue w/ this to my attention, and it came fully to my attention the other day and a meeting between my pastor and the youth, were he allowed us to tell him how we were feeling. In and attempt to a clean up a major "omg did she really say that moment" that a fellow youth just had I found myself in the same position. What I meant to say didn't fully come out instead it sounded out of order. Yes, everything I said was in fact true but was completely out of order. And I felt it after it came out that I had stuck my foot in my mouth and there was no cleaning it up. And believe me the Lord got me for it.
Sometimes somethings I say come out sounding judgmental. Which is not my intention. The bible tells us that yes we should correct our brother and sister in love. Now me personally it really grinds my gears when people that profess to be "saved, sanctified, and baptized in the name of Jesus, and fulled with the precious gift of the Holy Ghost" make excuses for what they do. My thing is if you are wrong, say your wrong, and don't lean on that fact that we serve a forgiving God as licence to do what ever you want and hide under the cop out of "He knows my heart". Yes, He does but how many time you gone keep doing the same thing before you realize that you have humble your self, pray and TURN from your wicked ways? Like really if someone cheats on you, sayings they are sorry but keeps purposefully doing it would you believe that they were truly sorry? But I digress; now when I give correction and accountability to those who asked me to, the words I use can come off too harsh and judgmental sounding and that's because I get passionate about what I'm saying. So I have to now be slow to speak and ask the Lord to guide my speech so that it is Him speaking and not me and my flesh. He says "with love and kindness have I drawn you". So we want to do the same. So if I have offend anyone personally, I do whole-heartily apologize, that was not my attention.
I'm learning to use wisdom when I speak, and not to speak out of order. Although, I may be right, there is a time and a place for everything.
There is a part two to this because this topic is deeper than most would think. Hey, it wasn't until yesterday that I realized that I need to study the power of words, and it plays a big role in being the women that God has called us to be. So part two coming soon as I run off to class. LOVE YOU ALL!
Well yes it's true I did have this problem, and I had gotten better, due to maturing and life experiences made me more of an introvert, but I do still have my moment of struggle with speaking. Beside the fact that when I'm sleepy I get either (1) extremely cranky or (2) extremely talkative and silly, the Lord had been dealing with me about running to other with my problem rather than coming to Him.
For the sake of transparency, I had a problem with drinking, and I drake to deal w/ my issues, (well clearly that's not good and a drunkenness is a sin), after I got saved, I stopped getting drunk to deal w/ or numb my issues, and I began to talk about things. While that's good, you don't have to tell people everything. There are somethings that you need to just take to God in prayer.
Another issue of the mouth, that, Yes I HAVE, is timing. My spiritual mentor always quotes "Everything that is lawful is not expedient" (1 Corinthians 6:12). Which means, you may be right in what you are saying but that may have not been the time to say it. In the past few weeks the Lord has been trying to bring my issue w/ this to my attention, and it came fully to my attention the other day and a meeting between my pastor and the youth, were he allowed us to tell him how we were feeling. In and attempt to a clean up a major "omg did she really say that moment" that a fellow youth just had I found myself in the same position. What I meant to say didn't fully come out instead it sounded out of order. Yes, everything I said was in fact true but was completely out of order. And I felt it after it came out that I had stuck my foot in my mouth and there was no cleaning it up. And believe me the Lord got me for it.
Sometimes somethings I say come out sounding judgmental. Which is not my intention. The bible tells us that yes we should correct our brother and sister in love. Now me personally it really grinds my gears when people that profess to be "saved, sanctified, and baptized in the name of Jesus, and fulled with the precious gift of the Holy Ghost" make excuses for what they do. My thing is if you are wrong, say your wrong, and don't lean on that fact that we serve a forgiving God as licence to do what ever you want and hide under the cop out of "He knows my heart". Yes, He does but how many time you gone keep doing the same thing before you realize that you have humble your self, pray and TURN from your wicked ways? Like really if someone cheats on you, sayings they are sorry but keeps purposefully doing it would you believe that they were truly sorry? But I digress; now when I give correction and accountability to those who asked me to, the words I use can come off too harsh and judgmental sounding and that's because I get passionate about what I'm saying. So I have to now be slow to speak and ask the Lord to guide my speech so that it is Him speaking and not me and my flesh. He says "with love and kindness have I drawn you". So we want to do the same. So if I have offend anyone personally, I do whole-heartily apologize, that was not my attention.
I'm learning to use wisdom when I speak, and not to speak out of order. Although, I may be right, there is a time and a place for everything.
There is a part two to this because this topic is deeper than most would think. Hey, it wasn't until yesterday that I realized that I need to study the power of words, and it plays a big role in being the women that God has called us to be. So part two coming soon as I run off to class. LOVE YOU ALL!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
NEW FEATURE: Daily Pray of Love
Teach Me to Love
Take my yoke upon you, and lean from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:29-30
Lord, teach me to love as you love, for I know that is the only way I can show my gratitude for your love of me. It's easy to love when all is going well. I need you when loving is not easy. It's hard to love when I'm tired and see no sign of relief; when I just don't like what others are doing, even those closest to me. Enable me to love not because I feel like it but because that is the only way for there to be hope in this world.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Let's Talk about it: A Page from my personal Journal.
So i previously wrote about journal-ing to help you get your healing. I recently got an email from my penzu acct (which i completely forgot about) and i found a entry that I wrote 2 yrs ago about my struggles with FORGIVENESS. I feel that this can help someone. I have come a long way from the time i wrote this and have been able to forgive.
(NO, I did not use any real names to protect their identity.)
Forgiveness
"Forgiveness. This is something that I am just not realizing I'm having a problem with. I have always thought in the back of my mind if I just keep saying that I forgive a person that one day it would be true but, I realized that is not the case. In all the bad situations I've been in where I have been done wrong by someone, I have just been told to "get over it". People say that all the time, but how do you truly just get over something? I have notice that although I've said I've forgiven certain people, I still hold some pin up aggression towards them. I'm truly trying to live right but hold this type of feeling towards people is not Christ-like. But it is really hard to forgive when people aren't sorry for what they did to you. I've always heard holding on to stuff is not going to hurt anyone but yourself, because that person is sleeping at night not while you sit up here up set. But no one can answer me; how do you do that? I notice that the people I cannot forgive are all females, and we all fell out over a guy. I was able to forgive the guys over the girls for some reason. I did notice that two of these females were once my good friends and then went after the guy I was with. I feel more betrayed by them because of the fact that they were my friends and our friendship clearly didn't mean anything to them because they have absolutely no remorse for what they did to me. The thing I can't figure out for the life of me though, if the Bible says "what so ever a man soweth, that shall he reap", if I am the innocent party in the scenario, why does it seem like the people to do me wrong never reap what they sow? I have never purposely ever done wrong to anyone so why do so many people do me wrong and go on being happy with their lives. Perhaps there is a lesson in all of this that I wasn't getting. I was choosing the wrong people to let get close to me. Perhaps I need to pray for discernment regarding the people in my life. I've ask God to remove people from my life if they weren't meant to be there, but why dose there have to be damage done before they leave? Why not just bow out gracefully? I know this is something I seriously need to work on because, I hindering myself from my blessing because I can't let go of the past and has happened to me. I have taken a step closer to forgive Jae* because I think the only thing that was hindering me is was because when I see her, she would be looking at me crazy. I just recent hear more about the situation with Shasha* with and it is bothering me; more than before. I actually showed emotion. Before I just said I was done with the friendship and left it at that; never really cried about it, but when I found out that she was still having sex with him, had mixed emotions. A part of me was happy because now she wants to be with him and he don't want to be with her and basically be treating her ...but yet and still he still in my face trying to "rekindle" what was (and I know that's wrong to be happy about that, but I feel a little justice being done because she ruined a good friendship over him......I hope it was all worth it). And then I apart of me was upset because, (and for the first time I'm really going to stop lying to myself) I still care about Jason*, and no woman wants to picture the person that they dealt with over a year having continual sex with someone who was once a close friend. For me to look at him and know that he having sex with her.......it hurts. On top of that it just deepens the stab wound in my back that she created by betraying me like that. I really considered Shasha* a good friend of mine. What really makes it worst to me is because; I talked to her about him.....multiple times. But I still haven't learned my lesson about talking to female about my guys (I should have learned that lesson with Tonya*). Because I feel soooo betrayed, I can't see myself forgiving her.......but I know I have to. Like I'm on the border line of hating her for what she did. What is the difference in forgiving in being phony? To me they could appear the same. I honestly need someone to talk to who is not going to judge me. In the past when I told people how I felt in situations like this, they didn't take into account how what I was going through truly made me feel, and kind of looked at me as if I was pathetic and told me to shut up crying and get over it. Get over it? HOW??????? People act like that is the easiest thing in the world to do! If it is please, please tell me how. I would like to know so that I can't lighten the burden on my heart. Heck I haven't fully forgiven Tonya* for what she did to me. I still don't care for her. I really just need something...anything that can help me move on and get on with my life. This might be what holding me up from meeting my Boaz. But I really need to, no matter, how hard it maybe, get Jason* out of my life! I'm low-key trying to hold on to a seasonal person who God has already revealed to me is not who he has for me, all because he telling me what I want to here and I have some people in the background saying "well ya'll got chemistry.....maybe he'll realized what he missed out on and he trying to make it right." Not when he is still having casual sex with Shasha*!!! The devil is a lie! I refuse to let myself fall into the same trap. The devil think he can get me but disguising the same foolishness, covering it up with sweetness and a FORM of Godliness. #FAIL , I'm not going. Real talk, I bind these tricks of the enemy in Jesus name right now! I just got to get this forgiveness thing under wraps so I can receive all that God has for me. He spoke a word for me, and he word will not return unto him void. He's just waiting on me to LET IT GO! I need much prayer and help with this thing here."
(NO, I did not use any real names to protect their identity.)
Forgiveness
"Forgiveness. This is something that I am just not realizing I'm having a problem with. I have always thought in the back of my mind if I just keep saying that I forgive a person that one day it would be true but, I realized that is not the case. In all the bad situations I've been in where I have been done wrong by someone, I have just been told to "get over it". People say that all the time, but how do you truly just get over something? I have notice that although I've said I've forgiven certain people, I still hold some pin up aggression towards them. I'm truly trying to live right but hold this type of feeling towards people is not Christ-like. But it is really hard to forgive when people aren't sorry for what they did to you. I've always heard holding on to stuff is not going to hurt anyone but yourself, because that person is sleeping at night not while you sit up here up set. But no one can answer me; how do you do that? I notice that the people I cannot forgive are all females, and we all fell out over a guy. I was able to forgive the guys over the girls for some reason. I did notice that two of these females were once my good friends and then went after the guy I was with. I feel more betrayed by them because of the fact that they were my friends and our friendship clearly didn't mean anything to them because they have absolutely no remorse for what they did to me. The thing I can't figure out for the life of me though, if the Bible says "what so ever a man soweth, that shall he reap", if I am the innocent party in the scenario, why does it seem like the people to do me wrong never reap what they sow? I have never purposely ever done wrong to anyone so why do so many people do me wrong and go on being happy with their lives. Perhaps there is a lesson in all of this that I wasn't getting. I was choosing the wrong people to let get close to me. Perhaps I need to pray for discernment regarding the people in my life. I've ask God to remove people from my life if they weren't meant to be there, but why dose there have to be damage done before they leave? Why not just bow out gracefully? I know this is something I seriously need to work on because, I hindering myself from my blessing because I can't let go of the past and has happened to me. I have taken a step closer to forgive Jae* because I think the only thing that was hindering me is was because when I see her, she would be looking at me crazy. I just recent hear more about the situation with Shasha* with and it is bothering me; more than before. I actually showed emotion. Before I just said I was done with the friendship and left it at that; never really cried about it, but when I found out that she was still having sex with him, had mixed emotions. A part of me was happy because now she wants to be with him and he don't want to be with her and basically be treating her ...but yet and still he still in my face trying to "rekindle" what was (and I know that's wrong to be happy about that, but I feel a little justice being done because she ruined a good friendship over him......I hope it was all worth it). And then I apart of me was upset because, (and for the first time I'm really going to stop lying to myself) I still care about Jason*, and no woman wants to picture the person that they dealt with over a year having continual sex with someone who was once a close friend. For me to look at him and know that he having sex with her.......it hurts. On top of that it just deepens the stab wound in my back that she created by betraying me like that. I really considered Shasha* a good friend of mine. What really makes it worst to me is because; I talked to her about him.....multiple times. But I still haven't learned my lesson about talking to female about my guys (I should have learned that lesson with Tonya*). Because I feel soooo betrayed, I can't see myself forgiving her.......but I know I have to. Like I'm on the border line of hating her for what she did. What is the difference in forgiving in being phony? To me they could appear the same. I honestly need someone to talk to who is not going to judge me. In the past when I told people how I felt in situations like this, they didn't take into account how what I was going through truly made me feel, and kind of looked at me as if I was pathetic and told me to shut up crying and get over it. Get over it? HOW??????? People act like that is the easiest thing in the world to do! If it is please, please tell me how. I would like to know so that I can't lighten the burden on my heart. Heck I haven't fully forgiven Tonya* for what she did to me. I still don't care for her. I really just need something...anything that can help me move on and get on with my life. This might be what holding me up from meeting my Boaz. But I really need to, no matter, how hard it maybe, get Jason* out of my life! I'm low-key trying to hold on to a seasonal person who God has already revealed to me is not who he has for me, all because he telling me what I want to here and I have some people in the background saying "well ya'll got chemistry.....maybe he'll realized what he missed out on and he trying to make it right." Not when he is still having casual sex with Shasha*!!! The devil is a lie! I refuse to let myself fall into the same trap. The devil think he can get me but disguising the same foolishness, covering it up with sweetness and a FORM of Godliness. #FAIL , I'm not going. Real talk, I bind these tricks of the enemy in Jesus name right now! I just got to get this forgiveness thing under wraps so I can receive all that God has for me. He spoke a word for me, and he word will not return unto him void. He's just waiting on me to LET IT GO! I need much prayer and help with this thing here."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)