This 13 year old young lady shared that she was very actively viewing pornography, and although she is not sexually active, she has a very strong desire to be. When this was told to me, the other people involved in the conversation was just so gob-smacked and sadden by this information especially because of her age, but as these word were uttered, I quietly got angry, because in that instant I saw the devil himself, and his demons; the same ones I had battled and knew all too well myself, and I heard the voice of God say "I had to bring you this place to show you this demon so you would know how important every pain and heartache was. I need you to share your testimony but I need you to start form the beginning." So that's exactly what I'm going to do.
From a very early age, I began battling this sexual demon. It was in my preschool years, where my older cousin, who was either a teen or a pre-teen, would touch me very inappropriately on several occasions, and opened the can of worms that had lasting effects on me for years to come. Shortly after those encounters, I found myself acting out sexual acts with female cousins, and friends. Now, I never struggled with homosexuality. That was always a spirit that I was some how, able to keep off of me, by the grace of God. And I thank God for that because it could have been me. Especially because the female cousin that I use to interact with like that in her adult years became bi-sexual. At that age I really didn't have a concept of what homosexuality was or nor did I necessarily desire to be with a girl, I was just doing what I saw adults doing; I was playing "house". As I got a little older I found myself having urges that I didn't understand. Masturbating at a very early age, sneaking watching late night Red Shoe Diaries, and Real Sex on HBO and Showtime.
I remember being in elementary school, around 5th grade, and when the other girls were talking about sex, all of a sudden I had to use the bathroom. And when I had my first kiss at 12 it happened again. I didn't realize at that time, that I was getting aroused. I thought I just was having a bladder problem. What I had been involuntarily been exposed to in the earlier years was turning into a black hole that was getting bigger and and bigger. In those pre-teen years the late night digest of porn and masturbation got to be more frequent and an appetite for what I never had grown ever increasing.
Although, I battled with all of this in secret, and felt guilty and ashamed; praying for forgiveness every morning and being thankful that the Lord didn't just kill me right there on the spot, I knew that I wanted to wait until I got married to have sex. Me and my childhood sweetheart and first love had been counting down the years. And like all childhood "relationships", we broke up. When I hit my junior year, I thought I was in love, and had found someone who I wanted to give that gift to, and then we very publicly and embarrassingly broke up and I felt like I wasn't worthy to be loved and that my gift was never going to be given to someone who would love me the same way I loved them. I then, stupidly, decided to loose my virginity to the rebound guy, who I only knew a couple of weeks.The flood gates were now open wide, and they were compounded by the fact that I never had an example of what the true love of a man was.
All of that equals a terrible recipe for self-disrespect and a cycle of pain. In those last high school years and the majority of my collage years I found myself laying down for people who most definitely didn't deserve my gift, and enduring self inflicted heartache and pain; creating unhealthy soul ties. A beast of an appetite had been created and was running rampant. At one point I was having sex with one particular guy almost every night. I was one step away from an addiction. I had given my heart and body to too many who weren't worthy. The emotional weight of not feeling like enough, of not being loved, and of a desperate search find love and affection (even if it was the pretend kind from myself and a vibrator), got to be so great that the doorway of alcoholism opened and it was also running hand and hand with this sexual demon.
In the mist of my brokenness, I found myself lying in my apartment floor half naked crying out to the Lord, the Lord that I knew in my childhood but walked away from. In that instant, the Lord step in and pulled me out of my foolishness and saved me. Now for a while I felt so dirty about sex. I didn't want anyone to even look at me. Although God forgave me, I felt soooo ashamed of myself for what I had subjected myself to and how I knew I looked to others on the outside. It took a while for me to forgive myself: years. So many times, we keep ourselves bound by our past by holding on to things and not forgiving ourselves. But in Christ there is now therefore no condemnation. Dwell not on the former things.
The things that I had encountered in my early years, I had mentally blocked out and never talked about. It wasn't until that young lady shared that information that I saw the root and plucked it out. In the last couple of weeks, I felt that demon rising up but I didn't get it. I was praying and fasting asking the Lord to keep my mind all the while trying to figure out why I was fighting this off again. I hadn't had those desires in years but here they were again, but this time I knew how to fight, with the word. But as soon as that story hit my ears I was saw that demon for exactly who he was. I now knew what I needed I do and I began rebuking him. This is a something serious and too many times in the church we sweep things under the rug. But deliverance comes from identifying and uncovering the devil and exposing him for the liar he is. The word says to confess your faults one to another. And if I have freedom in Christ, Satan can't continue to use what I have already been delivered from to keep me embarrassed and bound. I have victory, I am going to cry loud and spare not. Speaking life to whosoever needs it. And in this testimony, may God get all the glory!
I don't know who this was for, but I just want to let them know that you are worth it. You are of value, and you do not have to settle. God is a deliverer. HE is the mender of every broken heart, and you don't have to stay in the condition that your in. The spirit is leading me to go in this direction: to all those who were tampered with and is now battling homosexuality, God says get up from there. It wasn't your fault but it is not your end all be all. You have a purpose and value in the KINGDOM. HE didn't make you that way. Do not allow Satan to continue to trick you. God is not the author of confusion. If it don't logically and biologically may sense then you know it's not of God!!! The devil is a liar, and he is just sitting back laughing as he make a fool out of you. There is a war-cry: GET UP FROM THERE!!!!! There is deliverance for you. You just have to accept it. "If my people who are called my name would humble themselves and pray, seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and heal their land."
Father God, in the name of Jesus I thank you for being a mender of broken hearts. I thank you for you grace and your mercy that you show unto us although we are so unworthy. I thank you for your love and kindness you show to us in spite of us. Now God, I ask that you lift up the down trotted, mend the hearts of the broken. Break every chain of sexual immorality. Break every yoke of fear today oh God. I stand in the gap for my brothers and sisters oh God asking that you send your delivering power and save someone on today oh God. Lift every heavy burden. Be a comforter in the midnight hour God. Send peace oh God. Satan I rebuke you in the mighty name of Jesus. You have absolutely no power here. Loose your hold on the people right now in the name of Jesus. I bound you up right now and cast you back in to the pits of hell, you and all your minions in the name of Jesus. Lord you said what so ever is loose on earth, shall be loosed in heaven; what so ever is bounded on earth, shall be bounded in heaven. Right now on God I bind up every sexually immoral spirit, every spirit of insecurity, every spirit of inferiority, every spirit of masturbation, every hunting spirit of the past, of un-forgiveness, of unrighteousness and even as I write this oh God, I bind up any fear that trys to arise, to keep me from hitting the publish button, right now in the name of Jesus. And now God I loose peace oh God, I loose deliverance for your people oh God in the name of Jesus. And God we give you thank for the victory right now God, because we know it was won already over 2,000 years ago when you sent your Son to die on the cross for our sins. We thank you for loving us when we couldn't love ourselves. We thank you for keeping us when we didn't want to be kept.In the mist of our foolishness oh God. We bless your name oh God cause your are worthy of all the praise. God we bless you because we know that you are bigger than any situation. We bless your name because we know that you are able to deliverer us from it all. All the honor and glory belongs to you God because you are that you are. You are God. You are the mighty God. We will forever be in awe of you. We thank you for your unmerited grace and mercy unto us oh God. I thank you for being so mindful of us oh God. And I will be so careful to give you all the honor, glory, and praise. I will forever bless your wonderful name. You are that alpha and omega; the beginning and the end, the author and finisher of my fate. And I thank and praise you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
"I beseech you therefore brethren, by the mercies of God that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, Holy, acceptance unto God, which is your reasonable service."
