My whole life, growing up in church, I've been told not to date someone who wasn't saved. As a kid I thought that was completely ridiculous, because really, there was no one in the church who was truly saved and single (in my age bracket at least), so what just be by myself forever??? NEGATIVE. It wasn't until I was older and tried by the fire so to speak, before I realized how important it was for my partner to have their own walk with God.
It is important that
the person you are dating has spiritual autonomy for the relationship to be
successful. "That is, he has his own walk with God
that he pursues on a regular basis, regardless of his circumstances. Spiritual
autonomy ensures that he does not look to you to provide his religious
direction or motivation." [Boundaries in Dating: Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend]
You need a person who can go to God for themselves! We, as women, need a sense of security in a relationship: physically and spiritually. I need to know that in the time of trouble, my mate can go into spiritual warfare for us and our family. [Ecclesiastes 4:10] No one is perfect, so at some point we all fall; in a relationship your mate needs to be able to challenge you and encourage you to pick yourself up, and not to further hinder to you spiritually. A good question to ask is: does the person your with bring out the best in you or the worst? And this not something that you put off bringing up until marriage: courtship is practice for marriage. These are the stages were you find out of the person you are dating is marriage material.
If you find yourself continuously attracting unbelievers, and wanting to pursue something with them, you may want to take a look at yourself. "If something is broken inside, you will tend to find yourself drawn to unhealthy or absent spiritually [relationships]". This is something that, I myself experienced. I noticed that as my faith was failing, I was entertaining relationships what were spiritually dead. It wasn't until I renewed my faith in God, and trusted him fully; closing the door completely on the past and not looking back like Lot's wife, that I was able to walk into the blessing that God had tailor-made just for me. That's not just with dating, that with everything. You can't fix everything yourself. When you standstill and let God be God in your life is when he will show up and show out.
That's a whole other topic in and of it's self, but back to the point I was making, the bible says "how can two walk together less they agree?" Take it from me, holding a serious relationship with someone who doesn't know God for himself is a disaster waiting to happen. If you are saying "well there is no saved guys out there who aren't taken already", God has finely crafted someone just for you and he is preparing you and him for each other. Why would you want God to give you something that you are ready for? Just to mistreat it? NEGATIVE. A lot of time we are our on worst enemy in this area. If we would just stand still; know that God is God; be quick to listen and slow to speak, we could hear God and allow him to move in our lives.
I'm pretty sure I've spoken on this topic before, but it was placed on my heart today, and I hope it blesses someone.
So i previously wrote about journal-ing to help you get your healing. I recently got an email from my penzu acct (which i completely forgot about) and i found a entry that I wrote 2 yrs ago about my struggles with FORGIVENESS. I feel that this can help someone. I have come a long way from the time i wrote this and have been able to forgive.
(NO, I did not use any real names to protect their identity.)
Forgiveness
"Forgiveness. This is something that I am just not realizing I'm having a problem with. I have always thought in the back of my mind if I just keep saying that I forgive a person that one day it would be true but, I realized that is not the case. In all the bad situations I've been in where I have been done wrong by someone, I have just been told to "get over it". People say that all the time, but how do you truly just get over something? I have notice that although I've said I've forgiven certain people, I still hold some pin up aggression towards them. I'm truly trying to live right but hold this type of feeling towards people is not Christ-like. But it is really hard to forgive when people aren't sorry for what they did to you. I've always heard holding on to stuff is not going to hurt anyone but yourself, because that person is sleeping at night not while you sit up here up set. But no one can answer me; how do you do that? I notice that the people I cannot forgive are all females, and we all fell out over a guy. I was able to forgive the guys over the girls for some reason. I did notice that two of these females were once my good friends and then went after the guy I was with. I feel more betrayed by them because of the fact that they were my friends and our friendship clearly didn't mean anything to them because they have absolutely no remorse for what they did to me. The thing I can't figure out for the life of me though, if the Bible says "what so ever a man soweth, that shall he reap", if I am the innocent party in the scenario, why does it seem like the people to do me wrong never reap what they sow? I have never purposely ever done wrong to anyone so why do so many people do me wrong and go on being happy with their lives. Perhaps there is a lesson in all of this that I wasn't getting. I was choosing the wrong people to let get close to me. Perhaps I need to pray for discernment regarding the people in my life. I've ask God to remove people from my life if they weren't meant to be there, but why dose there have to be damage done before they leave? Why not just bow out gracefully? I know this is something I seriously need to work on because, I hindering myself from my blessing because I can't let go of the past and has happened to me. I have taken a step closer to forgive Jae* because I think the only thing that was hindering me is was because when I see her, she would be looking at me crazy. I just recent hear more about the situation with Shasha* with and it is bothering me; more than before. I actually showed emotion. Before I just said I was done with the friendship and left it at that; never really cried about it, but when I found out that she was still having sex with him, had mixed emotions. A part of me was happy because now she wants to be with him and he don't want to be with her and basically be treating her ...but yet and still he still in my face trying to "rekindle" what was (and I know that's wrong to be happy about that, but I feel a little justice being done because she ruined a good friendship over him......I hope it was all worth it). And then I apart of me was upset because, (and for the first time I'm really going to stop lying to myself) I still care about Jason*, and no woman wants to picture the person that they dealt with over a year having continual sex with someone who was once a close friend. For me to look at him and know that he having sex with her.......it hurts. On top of that it just deepens the stab wound in my back that she created by betraying me like that. I really considered Shasha* a good friend of mine. What really makes it worst to me is because; I talked to her about him.....multiple times. But I still haven't learned my lesson about talking to female about my guys (I should have learned that lesson with Tonya*). Because I feel soooo betrayed, I can't see myself forgiving her.......but I know I have to. Like I'm on the border line of hating her for what she did. What is the difference in forgiving in being phony? To me they could appear the same. I honestly need someone to talk to who is not going to judge me. In the past when I told people how I felt in situations like this, they didn't take into account how what I was going through truly made me feel, and kind of looked at me as if I was pathetic and told me to shut up crying and get over it. Get over it? HOW??????? People act like that is the easiest thing in the world to do! If it is please, please tell me how. I would like to know so that I can't lighten the burden on my heart. Heck I haven't fully forgiven Tonya* for what she did to me. I still don't care for her. I really just need something...anything that can help me move on and get on with my life. This might be what holding me up from meeting my Boaz. But I really need to, no matter, how hard it maybe, get Jason* out of my life! I'm low-key trying to hold on to a seasonal person who God has already revealed to me is not who he has for me, all because he telling me what I want to here and I have some people in the background saying "well ya'll got chemistry.....maybe he'll realized what he missed out on and he trying to make it right." Not when he is still having casual sex with Shasha*!!! The devil is a lie! I refuse to let myself fall into the same trap. The devil think he can get me but disguising the same foolishness, covering it up with sweetness and a FORM of Godliness. #FAIL , I'm not going. Real talk, I bind these tricks of the enemy in Jesus name right now! I just got to get this forgiveness thing under wraps so I can receive all that God has for me. He spoke a word for me, and he word will not return unto him void. He's just waiting on me to LET IT GO! I need much prayer and help with this thing here."
While listening to my Jill Scott station on Pandora, I noticed that I had to skip a lot of songs. Now, there was not thing wrong with these songs. The Jill Scott station never disappoints. It's really the only secular station I will listen to because, it's real music! But I had to skip some songs (which were in the past, some of my favorite songs) because they were emotional triggers for me; causing me to remember intimate moments with a past partner who I had a strong soul-tie to.
Recently I have been doing a lot of research on soul-ties. A lot of us have soul ties to people and don't realize it. According to www.newwineonline.com, "A soul tie is the joining or knitting together of the bonds of a relationship. Godly soul ties occur when like-minded believers are together in the Lord: friends, marriage partners, believers to pastors, etc. Relationships that lack ‘God-centeredness’ can result in ungodly soul ties between friends, parents and children, siblings, marriage partners, former romantic or sexual partners, domineering authorities, etc." In my sitution, this would be a ungodly sexual tie. Now the person, I have this tie with is not a bad person at all, but God was not the center of the relationship and there was the present of lust and premarital sex. This tie held me bound for many years. Although it doesn't phase me as much, I realized recently, that it hasn't fully dissolved, so I still have work to do with God to completely break it.
Proverbs 4:23 NLT "Guard your heart above all else,for it determines the course of your life."
Taken and Zeta Phi Zeta Christian Fraternity and Sorority Inc.'s Poetry Slam that featured Jeanette-ikz and Ezekiel
In the process of breaking soul ties, we must recognize the importance of guarding our hearts from ungodly influences. Had I continued to listen to those songs that causes emotional triggers for me, I may have felt the need to call that person and tried to re-kindle the same ungodly relationship. God just keeps showing me the dangers of premarital sex. And this particular subject just keeps coming up in my life lately. For example, last week I went to ISU, and my Sorority sponsored a poetry slam, in which we featured Jeanette-ikz and Ezekiel from P4CM as headliners. Jeanette-ikz, spoke about the dangers of soul-ties before preforming "I will wait for you", also, I went to an open mic at my church on Friday and a young lady did a poem on soul-ties (just confirmation).
Donald Lawrence- Your Righteous Mind (This song has really blessed me).
When you have sex with a person, they make a deposit into you. I'm not just talking about the natural deposit of semen that occurs, but i'm speaking of the spiritual ejaculation that happens when someone enters you. These unholy spirits and bond are almost impossible to break with out God's help. Although I haven't had sexual intercourse with this person in over 2 years, breaking this tie is still a day by day walk for me and an internal war. I'm not as attached as I use to be, but there is still something there that triggers my flesh to "reminisce" (#danger). I choose to thank God for deliverance in advance. This topic is one that God has placed on my heart to write about, and I will continue to focus on this for a while. If you have anything that you want to share on the topic of soul ties, feel free to email me and with your permission I will post it as a featured post. Love you guys and please stay prayed up.
In the past I have had what some people would call "bad luck". It just seemed like things never went right. I would be up one moment. Life would be going good. I seemed to accomplished every thing I set out to do. I was in college, had my own apartment, my own car, and a pretty good job with full benefits. But soon everything just went south. My hours were cut at work, I couldn't afford my apartment any more, someone hit and totaled my car. I found myself sleeping on the couch of a friend, with the worst credit ever! Now the natural side would be saying, "God why did you do this to me." And I did. I blamed God, but it was actually my fault because I was not living in His will.
As you may know, and if you don't, you will soon find out about me; I LOVE Pastor Justin and the whole P4CM. (Since I'm in school at night and can't go to bible study, I get my weekday Word from watching him on youtube), But I was watching his sermon today about pain, and it pierced me and gave me revelation about my life and my situations even now. I have found out that God allows us to go through pain for two reasons. (1) To bring us back to our senses and back to Him and (2) to give us a testimony to help others.
Pastor Justin of P4CM's Sermon "The truth behind why there may be pain and difficulties in your life"
Now, I know that things that I went through in the past (mostly through my college years) was God trying to get my attention. I was very stubborn, like most of us can be. I delighting myself in worldly things and expecting good to come from it. But the pleasures of this world are only temporary. My foolish self could not, at that time, understand why everything kept falling apart. God wanted me to come back to him, but instead I ran to fornication and alcohol to make myself feel better. Pastor Justin used a great saying in the sermon, "God sometimes has to set the building on fire to get you to come running out." It wasn't until I made a complete fool of myself and brought a stigma to my name for me to get it together.
In recent times, back in April, I started dating a guy. Now, we dated some years back, and back then I wasn't that in to him because I view him as being super clingy and it completely turned me off. Plus, at that time, I wasn't trying to settle down. Now, I'm more open to a serious relationship. So I decided to give it another chance because he was really nice guy, I truly believed that he love me and during a time were all the guys I was encountering couldn't deal with my celiebacy, it was refreshing to find a guy who was willing to DEAL with it, grew up in the church and "wanted a relation with God" (this is key. It wasn't that he was trying to celiebate on his own, he was doing it for me....red flag. He needs to do it for God and love God more than he loves me). Everything seemed to going good in the relationship, but my spirit really wasn't settled with it. I would notice that every time I invited him to church, there would be a reason why he could go. So I prayed to God, "Lord if he is not suppose to be here, please remove him." Shortly there after it came out in a very public way that he was doing dirt and appearantly not trying to live a lifestyle that was pleasing to God.
Personally he was good a person, but we were not equally yoked. If God had not taken me through the pain of the break-up (and yes it was very painful: we were seriously talking about marriage), I would still be in that relationship and end up in a marriage which was not in the will of God. Now, all of this could have been avoided if I had trusted God and waited on Him. When we get inpatient and say "God you know what, you just taking a little too long for me, so I'm just do this right here." God takes a step back and allows you to learn the hard way. He dosen't force His will on you, but His Word will not return until him void. Now the road you take to get there depends on you and your willingness to trust and obey.
Being honest, there are times were the enemy will try to feed me negativity, making me want what's not best for me. I have my lonely moments when I think like "dang, I wish he would have done right, because things else was perfect between us before I found out." I have to fight those feeling and call the devil a lie, because I know my destiny in God and anything contrary is not of God. I have to tell myself that it was in fact a blessing, because I would have just caused myself even more heartache, staying there because we were not equally yoked. How can two walk together less they are agreed [Amos 3:3]. The man is suppose to be the head of the house and the spiritual leader of the house, how can that be if you are with someone who can't even get a prayer through? You have to look at like you dodge an unhappy bullet that could have stunted your growth in God, and that God has something better in store for you, but you have to trust Him. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and learn not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." [Proverbs 3:5-6] What does that mean? You have to trust God, even though it may not make sense to you, you may not understand how you are going to get your blessing or fulfill your destiny, but trust that what God said is truth. For He is not a man that he should lie. "In all thy way acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." Make sure your ways acknowledge God; that your light is shining. That you are walking up rightly before Him, and living a life that is pleasing and acceptable in His eyes, and He will direct your path.
This is something I have to remind myself of everyday. Although I am "alone" in the natural, I am never alone in the spiritual. God is working on me, and preparing me for my blessing. How is God going to bless you with something that you are not ready to receive? How does he give you a man after His own heart, when your relationship with him, ( the one that comes first and foremost before all others) isn't together?
"Commit to having a fruit bearing relationship with Jesus Christ before dating" - Pastor Justin.
