Naked pt. 2

I knew that God wanted me to share my testimony but I didn't know the dept of how much he wanted me to reveal. In that past 2 years I identified my daddy issues. I knew that they caused me to have abandonment issues, and caused me to look for love in all the wrong places. And when those false sources of love failed, I turned on myself, asking why was it that I wasn't worthy of being loved correctly. Once I conquered those issues and shared them, I figured my work was done, and now it was time to take my pleasure in what was for me. No, God need me to go deeper.

This 13 year old young lady shared that she was very actively viewing pornography, and although she is not sexually active, she has a very strong desire to be. When this was told to me, the other people involved in the conversation was just so gob-smacked and sadden by this information especially because of her age, but as these word were uttered, I quietly got angry, because in that instant I saw the devil himself, and his demons; the same ones I had battled and knew all too well myself, and I heard the voice of God say "I had to bring you this place to show you this demon so you would know how important every pain and heartache was. I need you to share your testimony but I need you to start form the beginning." So that's exactly what I'm going to do.

From a very early age, I began battling this sexual demon. It was in my preschool years, where my older cousin, who was either a teen or a pre-teen, would touch me very inappropriately on several occasions, and opened the can of worms that had lasting effects on me for years to come. Shortly after those encounters, I found myself acting out sexual acts with female cousins, and friends. Now, I never struggled with homosexuality. That was always a spirit that I was some how, able to keep off of me, by the grace of God. And I thank God for that because it could have been me. Especially because the female cousin that I use to interact with like that in her adult years became bi-sexual. At that age I really didn't have a concept of what homosexuality was or nor did I necessarily desire to be with a girl, I was just doing what I saw adults doing; I was playing "house". As I got a little older I found myself having urges that I didn't understand. Masturbating at a very early age, sneaking watching late night Red Shoe Diaries, and Real Sex on HBO and Showtime.

I remember being in elementary school, around 5th grade, and when the other girls were talking about sex, all of a sudden I had to use the bathroom. And when I had my first kiss at 12 it happened again. I didn't realize at that time, that I was getting aroused. I thought I just was having a bladder problem. What I had been involuntarily been exposed to in the earlier years was turning into a black hole that was getting bigger and and bigger. In those pre-teen years the late night digest of porn and masturbation got to be more frequent and an appetite for what I never had grown ever increasing.

Although, I battled with all of this in secret, and felt guilty and ashamed; praying for forgiveness every morning and being thankful that the Lord didn't just kill me right there on the spot, I knew that I wanted to wait until I got married to have sex. Me and my childhood sweetheart and first love had been counting down the years. And like all childhood "relationships", we broke up. When I hit my junior year, I thought I was in love, and had found someone who I wanted to give that gift to, and then we very publicly and embarrassingly broke up and I felt like I wasn't worthy to be loved and that my gift was never going to be given to someone who would love me the same way I loved them. I then, stupidly, decided to loose my virginity to the rebound guy, who I only knew a couple of weeks.The flood gates were now open wide, and they were compounded by the fact that I never had an example of what the true love of a man was.

 All of that equals a terrible recipe for self-disrespect and a cycle of pain. In those last high school years and the majority of my collage years I found myself laying down for people who most definitely didn't deserve my gift, and enduring self inflicted heartache and pain; creating unhealthy soul ties. A beast of an appetite had been created and was running rampant. At one point I was having sex with one particular guy almost every night. I was one step away from an addiction. I had given my heart and body to too many who weren't worthy. The emotional weight of not feeling like enough, of not being loved, and of a desperate search find love and affection (even if it was the pretend kind from myself and a vibrator), got to be so great that the doorway of alcoholism opened and it was also running hand and hand with this sexual demon.

In the mist of my brokenness, I found myself lying in my apartment floor half naked crying out to the Lord, the Lord that I knew in my childhood but walked away from. In that instant, the Lord step in and pulled me out of my foolishness and saved me. Now for a while I felt so dirty about sex. I didn't want anyone to even look at me. Although God forgave me, I felt soooo ashamed of myself for what I had subjected myself to and how I knew I looked to others on the outside. It took a while for me to forgive myself: years. So many times, we keep ourselves bound by our past by holding on to things and not forgiving ourselves. But in Christ there is now therefore no condemnation. Dwell not on the former things.

The things that I had encountered in my early years, I had mentally blocked out and never talked about. It wasn't until that young lady shared that information that I saw the root and plucked it out. In the last couple of weeks, I felt that demon rising up but I didn't get it. I was praying and fasting asking the Lord to keep my mind all the while trying to figure out why I was fighting this off again. I hadn't had those desires in years but here they were again, but this time I knew how to fight, with the word. But as soon as that story hit my ears I was saw that demon for exactly who he was. I now knew what I needed I do and I began rebuking him. This is a something serious and too many times in the church we sweep things under the rug. But deliverance comes from identifying and uncovering the devil and exposing him for the liar he is. The word says to confess your faults one to another. And if I have freedom in Christ, Satan can't continue to use what I have already been delivered from to keep me embarrassed and bound. I have victory, I am going to cry loud and spare not. Speaking life to whosoever needs it. And in this testimony, may God get all the glory!

I don't know who this was for, but I just want to let them know that you are worth it. You are of value, and you do not have to settle. God is a deliverer. HE is the mender of every broken heart, and you don't have to stay in the condition that your in. The spirit is leading me to go in this direction: to all those who were tampered with and is now battling homosexuality, God says get up from there. It wasn't your fault but it is not your end all be all. You have a purpose and value in the KINGDOM. HE didn't make you that way. Do not allow Satan to continue to trick you. God is not the author of confusion. If it don't logically and biologically may sense then you know it's not of God!!! The devil is a liar, and he is just sitting back laughing as he make a fool out of you. There is a war-cry: GET UP FROM THERE!!!!! There is deliverance for you. You just have to accept it. "If my people who are called my name would humble themselves and pray, seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and heal their land."

Father God, in the name of Jesus I thank you for being a mender of broken hearts. I thank you for you grace and your mercy that you show unto us although we are so unworthy. I thank you for your love and kindness you show to us in spite of us. Now God, I ask that you lift up the down trotted, mend the hearts of the broken. Break every chain of sexual immorality. Break every yoke of fear today oh God. I stand in the gap for my brothers and sisters oh God asking that you send your delivering power and save someone on today oh God. Lift every heavy burden. Be a comforter in the midnight hour God. Send peace oh God. Satan I rebuke you in the mighty name of Jesus. You have absolutely no power here. Loose your hold on the people right now in the name of Jesus. I bound you up right now and cast you back in to the pits of hell, you and all your minions in the name of Jesus. Lord you said what so ever is loose on earth, shall be loosed in heaven; what so ever is bounded on earth, shall be bounded in heaven. Right now on God I bind up every sexually immoral spirit, every spirit of insecurity, every spirit of inferiority, every spirit of masturbation, every hunting spirit of the past, of un-forgiveness, of unrighteousness and even as I write this oh God, I bind up any fear that trys to arise, to keep me from hitting the publish button, right now in the name of Jesus. And now God I loose peace oh God, I loose deliverance for your people oh God in the name of Jesus. And God we give you thank for the victory right now God, because we know it was won already over 2,000 years ago when you sent your Son to die on the cross for our sins. We thank you for loving us when we couldn't love ourselves. We thank you for keeping us when we didn't want to be kept.In the mist of our foolishness oh God. We bless your name oh God cause your are worthy of all the praise. God we bless you because we know that you are bigger than any situation. We bless your name because we know that you are able to deliverer us from it all. All the honor and glory belongs to you God because you are that you are. You are God. You are the mighty God. We will forever be in awe of you. We thank you for your unmerited grace and mercy unto us oh God. I thank you for being so mindful of us oh God. And I will be so careful to give you all the honor, glory, and praise. I will forever bless your wonderful name. You are that alpha and omega; the beginning and the end, the author and finisher of my fate. And I thank and praise you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

"I beseech you therefore brethren, by the mercies of God that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, Holy, acceptance unto God, which is your reasonable service."

Naked pt.1

I always knew my testimony was something I was suppose to share to help deliver someone else. I just didn't know how much I was suppose to reveal and exactly when it was appropriate to do so. I had always carried this short of leeriness that I laid in the background, because I felt that, in the wrong hands, this information could be detrimental, but is God is a God of secrets and darkness? What the devil meant for evil and to bound us with, God will turn that same thing around and make it for your good and for HIS glory. What's the point of holding on to it? Releasing it shows that it has no power over you.

God had to bring me to a breaking point for me to realize what HE was bringing out of me was bigger than and pain or heartache that I was feeling and that what it was going to accomplish was for the breaking of chains and the bring down of strongholds. HE started removing things I loved and isolating me, and I couldn't understand exactly why. I tried to make sense of what was going on, but in those quite moments, when I would hang my ego up and was completely naked with myself I felt like I was going crazy and had completely lost control of what was going on in my life. I was active in ministry (at least I thought I was active enough), I had finally gotten to a place in God, where things that use to be a stumbling block for me, wasn't anymore. I truly had finally after many broken promises and disappointments from man, achieved joy in my life.

When the seasonal transition in my life came, I tried to flow with it and I was praying and fasting, but instead of getting stronger, I felt weaker. It seemed as though God wasn't hearing me. I would ask why, and instead of answering that question, HE would simply say "stand still". After a while I got restless; I couldn't really comprehend what it was I was suppose to be learning from all of this. I got so frustrated that I began desiring anything to keep my focus off what I was feeling. I had a moment when I was hitting the gym really hard, then I got too busy with other things, I then I found myself eating too much, then it was shopping, then kicking it with people I shouldn't have been kicking it with. I was getting mad at my boyfriend, feeling hurt by him and my best friend even though they were just doing what they're suppose to do; looking out for me.

Just as I was feeling like I was loosing a sense of who Brittany was, and backtracking, God spoke. I was in the alter working room at my church, praying for a young lady, with two other seasoned alter workers. I was asked to pray us out. Once I finished, one of the other ladies, said that they should pray for me and my strength, since I had so much on my plate ministry and work wise, and they could tell it was beginning to wear me thin.  As they both began praying for me, the spirit took completely over. One lady took over praying for me solely. She then said, "God said that you are the Esther of your generation. You are the gate keeper. You know what holiness is, you are suppose to be that example of holiness. God said that you shall not take part in any pleasure in this season, for you have a work to do. HE says,  'I will send you visions and dreams, and I will show you the devil himself and his demons, but fear not!'"

So of course, I was blown away. I had been told before, that I was Esther, but the other part blew me. That week I tried to pay close attention to my dreams. I thought I had missed something because the only unusual dream I had was that I was pregnant and my mom also dreamed that I was pregnant that week. Originally I took that dream for face value and I was like "Lord are you trying to tell I'm be pregnant soon?!" (after marriage of course), but one of my sorority sisters actually interpreted  those dreams, saying that I was about to give birth to something in ministry. Then I said, "Okay, God, I need all of this to make sense to me. What is it that I'm not already doing that you need me to do?" It wasn't until this past week, when one of the young girls that I know bravely shared something very personal, that I got the revelation of my purpose in this season.

Happy Tuesday!

I will admit, I didn't care for this song when I first heard it, but it's been in my spirit for a while and it has ministered to me in this season. I hopes it blesses you!

Redemption and Joy

So much has occurred in my time away. I honestly didn't want to write unless I sincerely had something to say. I view my time away as a very defining time of reflection and change, which is what life is all about. I don't take this platform lightly at all because I have realized through my "venting" about my life as a single saved young woman, someone else is being blessed through my testimony. I didn't believe that I could really give any encouragement in the state that I was in, and I didn't want to be a stumbling block for anyone else who may come across this blog. But now I have past through my test, I feel freedom in the Lord to share my experience. 

So what's been up with me?

Since my last post, I lost my job, which was not something that I was too devastated over, because I didn't enjoy it and I figured this would allow me time to get school finished and actually do something I enjoy; hair. Now I did feel the decline in my pockets, but I will say that the Lord has provided. I may not have overflow, but my needs have been met. 

I did lose weight; about 15 pounds. That was a good thing and a bad thing. Great because, yeah, I needed to lose some weight and bad because with the boost of confidence, came me feeling myself a little too much. Now this may sound a tab bit confusing but, with me "feeling myself too much", the insecurities that I have battled with the majority of my life, reared their ugly head again. Although on the surface, I felt great about myself, in the back of my mind I had reverted to the old me, the girl who felt like she needed validation and attention from a man to feel good about  her self. The compliments I was getting on how I looked, just made me crave more attention, to the point I would entertain foolishness for sake of not being alone. Dating people who are clearly not equally yoked  just for the sake of having something to do on a Friday night. 

"One week without prayer, will make one weak."

I continued with it under the gist of "oh, I'm just chilling with them", until one day I had the realization that I was slowly killing myself spiritually.  I was going so far in God up until that point, that it literally scared me. Things that were easy for me to fight off in the spirit became this knock out, drag down fight. I told my best friend one day, "this is not me! I don't know what's happening to me. I feel like I'm fighting for my life....[spiritually]". It was like, the closer I got to God, the more I had to fight. That's how the enemy works, when he see that you are realizing your purpose in the Kingdom, he will do all he can to prohibit it. Because I wasn't working, I was so caught up in getting my "hustle on", doing hair in the shop, school, and trying to maintain some sort of a social life, that I wasn't taking the time to pray and read my word. One of my frat brothers said it best on his Facebook status, "one week without prayer, will make one weak". If that ain't the truest thing I've heard!

Loneliness set in. I settled; found myself in positions that were not right; falling back into old habits  I was seeing a guy who did me kinda bogus. It was minuet compared to past relationships, but the traits he were exhibiting and the way his actions made me feel were way too reminiscent to a past relationship that left me the most emotionally damaged. And I will admit this, God will bring you clarity in the mist of your own foolishness, it wasn't until I slipped up and had too many drinks (yes, I will admit, I did fall), with a close friend, venting about this guy, that she ministered directly to me, she said "Brittany, God can not bless you with the man that He has for you if you still have foolish, nothing negros standing in the way." I was blown away!!! She was sooooo right! How can the Lord bless you when you have something or someone stand in proxy?

As New Year's approached  I began to make declarations. I knew that if all hell was breaking loose in my life like it was, that I had to be on the brink of something great! I started to remind the Lord of the promises that he had made to me. I started to claim victory in my life. As of the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, this may sound cliche but it's the truth, I shut the door on somethings, and some people and told the Lord, I was going to trust Him fully. I only want what he has for me. I prayed that he guide my footsteps. And that's just what he did! I literally felt a shift in my spirit and I declare I am not the same person. God has showed up and showed out in my life to the point that sometimes it's overwhelming that God loves me sooo much that he answered my prayers to the "T"! My life is filled with so much joy that it's busting at the seams. I know you're waiting for me to testify and tell exactly what the Lord has done, as the suspense builds, I will but not in this post. I am not exactly ready to reveal that yet, but I will say it's the Lord doing and it's marvelous in my eyes!

My big reveal is coming soon! So stay tuned! 

I just want to encourage everyone to stay steadfast and trust God. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He is right there with you in the fire! Stay prayerful loves!

Money Talks: Envelope System

I can admit that I am not the most fiscally responsible. When I have extra money it's like it burns a whole in my pocket and I just burn through it on stupid things. And the ironic thing is that can be cheap though, (how that works; I don't know). But anyway, aside from the goal of digging myself out of debt, I have things that's need to save up for, and if I keep up the same spending habits, I will always be in the same place. I have already proved to myself that I can go into "survival mode" and save. When I got disciplined made up my mind it really didn't take me long to save up money for my down payment. But now the challenge is because now I've incurred new bills. In an attempt to better plan my spending I'm going to try this system:

I also found this :

So I've downloaded this app on my phone. I'm still trying to figure it out completely b/c I'm not starting on a payday for me. But we shall see how this works out for me, especially since my income can be fluctuate since I have my side hustles.

The Most Dangerous Part of your Body

On a recent trip to Detroit with my youth department, I shared a room with my mother, her friend (who happens to be my spiritual mentor), and my Soror, we were sharing funny stories, experiences, and reactions to things that were happening during the conference that we were attending. We were talking about how I can viewed as stand-off-ish or unfriendly at times, which is completely untrue if you are close to me. I'm just cautious as to who allow close to me. (Love everyone, but its not like im clambering for friends, I'll speak and laugh and talk but I don't sit down and have dinner, and just invite everyone into my personal area, that would be foolish) But any way, mother asked the question "can you tell that Brittany use to talk a lot? I use to get calls from the teacher because she couldn't shut her mouth in class". The others shook their heads no and kinda laughed in shock and disbelief.
Well yes it's true I did have this problem, and I had gotten better, due to maturing and life experiences made me more of an introvert, but I do still have my moment of struggle with speaking. Beside the fact that when I'm sleepy I get either (1) extremely cranky or (2) extremely talkative and silly, the Lord had been dealing with me about running to other with my problem rather than coming to Him.
For the sake of transparency, I had a problem with drinking, and I drake to deal w/ my issues, (well clearly that's not good and a drunkenness is a sin), after I got saved, I stopped getting drunk to deal w/ or numb my issues, and I began to talk about things. While that's good, you don't have to tell people everything. There are somethings that you need to just take to God in prayer.
Another issue of the mouth, that, Yes I HAVE, is timing. My spiritual mentor always quotes "Everything that is lawful is not expedient" (1 Corinthians 6:12). Which means, you may be right in what you are saying but that may have not been the time to say it. In the past few weeks the Lord has been trying to bring my issue w/ this to my attention, and it came fully to my attention the other day and a meeting between my pastor and the youth, were he allowed us to tell him how we were feeling. In and attempt to a clean up a major "omg did she really say that moment" that a fellow youth just had I found myself in the same position. What I meant to say didn't fully come out instead it sounded out of order. Yes, everything I said was in fact true but was completely out of order. And I felt it after it came out that I had stuck my foot in my mouth and there was no cleaning it up. And believe me the Lord got me for it.
Sometimes somethings I say come out sounding judgmental. Which is not my intention. The bible tells us that yes we should correct our brother and sister in love. Now me personally it really grinds my gears when people that profess to be "saved, sanctified, and baptized in the name of Jesus, and fulled with the precious gift of the Holy Ghost" make excuses for what they do. My thing is if you are wrong, say your wrong, and don't lean on that fact that we serve a forgiving God as licence to do what ever you want and hide under the cop out of "He knows my heart". Yes, He does but how many time you gone keep doing the same thing before you realize that you have humble your self, pray and TURN from your wicked ways? Like really if someone cheats on you, sayings they are sorry but keeps purposefully doing it would you believe that they were truly sorry? But I digress; now when I give correction and accountability to those who asked me to, the words I use can come off too harsh and judgmental sounding and that's because I get passionate about what I'm saying. So I have to now be slow to speak and ask the Lord to guide my speech so that it is Him speaking  and not me and my flesh. He says "with love and kindness have I drawn you". So we want to do the same. So if I have offend anyone personally, I do whole-heartily apologize, that was not my attention.
I'm learning to use wisdom when I speak, and not to speak out of order. Although, I may be right, there is a time and a place for everything.
There is a part two to this because this topic is deeper than most would think. Hey, it wasn't until yesterday that I realized that I need to study the power of words, and it plays a big role in being the women that God has called us to be. So part two coming soon as I run off to class. LOVE YOU ALL!