So i previously wrote about journal-ing to help you get your healing. I recently got an email from my penzu acct (which i completely forgot about) and i found a entry that I wrote 2 yrs ago about my struggles with FORGIVENESS. I feel that this can help someone. I have come a long way from the time i wrote this and have been able to forgive.
(NO, I did not use any real names to protect their identity.)
Forgiveness
"Forgiveness. This is something that I am just not realizing I'm having a problem with. I have always thought in the back of my mind if I just keep saying that I forgive a person that one day it would be true but, I realized that is not the case. In all the bad situations I've been in where I have been done wrong by someone, I have just been told to "get over it". People say that all the time, but how do you truly just get over something? I have notice that although I've said I've forgiven certain people, I still hold some pin up aggression towards them. I'm truly trying to live right but hold this type of feeling towards people is not Christ-like. But it is really hard to forgive when people aren't sorry for what they did to you. I've always heard holding on to stuff is not going to hurt anyone but yourself, because that person is sleeping at night not while you sit up here up set. But no one can answer me; how do you do that? I notice that the people I cannot forgive are all females, and we all fell out over a guy. I was able to forgive the guys over the girls for some reason. I did notice that two of these females were once my good friends and then went after the guy I was with. I feel more betrayed by them because of the fact that they were my friends and our friendship clearly didn't mean anything to them because they have absolutely no remorse for what they did to me. The thing I can't figure out for the life of me though, if the Bible says "what so ever a man soweth, that shall he reap", if I am the innocent party in the scenario, why does it seem like the people to do me wrong never reap what they sow? I have never purposely ever done wrong to anyone so why do so many people do me wrong and go on being happy with their lives. Perhaps there is a lesson in all of this that I wasn't getting. I was choosing the wrong people to let get close to me. Perhaps I need to pray for discernment regarding the people in my life. I've ask God to remove people from my life if they weren't meant to be there, but why dose there have to be damage done before they leave? Why not just bow out gracefully? I know this is something I seriously need to work on because, I hindering myself from my blessing because I can't let go of the past and has happened to me. I have taken a step closer to forgive Jae* because I think the only thing that was hindering me is was because when I see her, she would be looking at me crazy. I just recent hear more about the situation with Shasha* with and it is bothering me; more than before. I actually showed emotion. Before I just said I was done with the friendship and left it at that; never really cried about it, but when I found out that she was still having sex with him, had mixed emotions. A part of me was happy because now she wants to be with him and he don't want to be with her and basically be treating her ...but yet and still he still in my face trying to "rekindle" what was (and I know that's wrong to be happy about that, but I feel a little justice being done because she ruined a good friendship over him......I hope it was all worth it). And then I apart of me was upset because, (and for the first time I'm really going to stop lying to myself) I still care about Jason*, and no woman wants to picture the person that they dealt with over a year having continual sex with someone who was once a close friend. For me to look at him and know that he having sex with her.......it hurts. On top of that it just deepens the stab wound in my back that she created by betraying me like that. I really considered Shasha* a good friend of mine. What really makes it worst to me is because; I talked to her about him.....multiple times. But I still haven't learned my lesson about talking to female about my guys (I should have learned that lesson with Tonya*). Because I feel soooo betrayed, I can't see myself forgiving her.......but I know I have to. Like I'm on the border line of hating her for what she did. What is the difference in forgiving in being phony? To me they could appear the same. I honestly need someone to talk to who is not going to judge me. In the past when I told people how I felt in situations like this, they didn't take into account how what I was going through truly made me feel, and kind of looked at me as if I was pathetic and told me to shut up crying and get over it. Get over it? HOW??????? People act like that is the easiest thing in the world to do! If it is please, please tell me how. I would like to know so that I can't lighten the burden on my heart. Heck I haven't fully forgiven Tonya* for what she did to me. I still don't care for her. I really just need something...anything that can help me move on and get on with my life. This might be what holding me up from meeting my Boaz. But I really need to, no matter, how hard it maybe, get Jason* out of my life! I'm low-key trying to hold on to a seasonal person who God has already revealed to me is not who he has for me, all because he telling me what I want to here and I have some people in the background saying "well ya'll got chemistry.....maybe he'll realized what he missed out on and he trying to make it right." Not when he is still having casual sex with Shasha*!!! The devil is a lie! I refuse to let myself fall into the same trap. The devil think he can get me but disguising the same foolishness, covering it up with sweetness and a FORM of Godliness. #FAIL , I'm not going. Real talk, I bind these tricks of the enemy in Jesus name right now! I just got to get this forgiveness thing under wraps so I can receive all that God has for me. He spoke a word for me, and he word will not return unto him void. He's just waiting on me to LET IT GO! I need much prayer and help with this thing here."
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