Based on the previous two post I published yesterday, I felt like this song is befitting. It describes what we go through as Christians. The devil is going to try to destroy us but we are always going to be victorious.
Happy Monday!!!
Monday, September 2, 2013
Hitting the Pause Button
I've been going back and forth about writing this post, because there are some things that I'm still working through myself. I would love to be totally transparent, but I do know that I can't share everything, because not everyone wishes me well. But I have to keep reminding myself that my tests and trials are not just for me but to help someone else.
I've come to the realization a while ago, that the Lord has given me a heart for women. I know that spiritual healing and intercession is my ministry. As the Lord is molding me into a virtuous woman and preparing me for ministry and marriage (yes, it is going to happen one day), he is giving me revelations and lessons to pass on. If you know me and my past, I really have NEVER been in a equally yoked relationship. I read about it, I studied what it should be, but actually being in one; a whole different story. Nothing in this life is going to be easy; I knew that, but the type of trials that I was going to encounter, I knew was going to be different and I really didn't want to mess things up. So I purchased a book for myself and for research for ABOVE RUBIES MOVEMENT, entitled Boundaries In Dating written by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. (Great book) Now, to be honesty I bought this book about 4 months ago and I have YET to finish it (lol), mostly because some sections I feel like I knew already because I had learned them from past lessons I had to learn the hard way, but as I skimmed around, I came across a passage that stopped me in my tracks and I have been meditating on it for like a month now.
"...For example, when you pace your relationship, you are giving up things you would like now for a greater benefit later. You are tolerating delay of gratification experiencing frustration, and learning patience. You are learning to care for a person who does not belong to you yet, which is an anxiety-provoking situation." [Boundaries in Dating:Too Much Too Fast, pg. 164]
If ain't the truest thing I ever read! At the time I first read this, it was exactly how I was feeling. Several questions popped into my mind, one of which was: what is the right pace in a Christian relationship? As I pray daily and seek God on somethings in my life, I realized that the lesson to be learned in this season is faith, trust, and patience.
Yes, the Lord hit the pause button on my relationship. Am I heartbroken? Absolutely. Was I mad at God? Yup, sure was. But I see the purpose it in all. I will admit that this has been the most trying season of my life. I felt a dichotomy. On one hand, I understood that God needed us both to complete somethings in our singleness that we thought we had already done, but the task just came and slapped us in our faces. But at the same time I was angry, because I was trying to figure out why the Lord would tease me like that. Why not just hold off on us meeting until we carried out what was required of us? I thought I had this down. I wasn't even the same person that I had been in the past in relationships. I thought I had really gotten a grip on being that submissive, praying, supportive woman.
There were so many thoughts running through my mind. The main one was the fear that if we did pick it back up that things would be awkward. And one little know fact about me is, I am very awkward myself (well that's really no secret. I've just embraced my weirdness lol). Striking up a conversation and getting to know people is hard for me. Heck, it took me and boyfriend a minute in the beginning to even hold a decent length conversation. I was scared. Was he going to realize he didn't love me any more? Was he going to say, "hey, maybe I heard God wrong, maybe this isn't my wife." That fear turned in to angry and me always inadvertently picking an argument every time we did talk.
Well, young grasshopper, everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the Lord has to bring you to an emotionally vulnerable place and make you completely empty before He can give you revelation. If my most prized earthly possession, my growing relationship, had not been snatched from me, I would not have been able to clearly see and complete my mission in this season. I would have just been so caught up in la-la love land (and there's nothing wrong with that in the right time).
We were moving on the fast track, and not taking the time to make sure God was with us every step of the way. And yes, that fear of being the last man standing was settling in during this separation. The bible says be anxious for nothing. Sometimes you have to take a step back, breath, and hit the pause button. Evaluate the situation. Make sure that God is getting the glory in everything. There is a misconception that a relationship is just for your pleasure and companionship, that is true, but it is also designed to be the earthly example of God's relationship with His church. Your relationship must glorify God at all times. A marriage is to be made up of a Godly man who is able to be the priest of his household, and a virtuous woman who can pray for that man and keep him under-girted. Although you will never be perfect, it can't be composed of two broken people because they will do nothing but hurt each other.
I now thank God for peace in this season. It took me a while, but I have finally reached peace, and finally put it ALL in God's hands and trust Him at His word. If that man found me to be his wife and that's what God said, then there is nothing in earth, heaven, or hell that's going to stop that. God's word is not going to return unto Him void. What's for me is for me. And if not, well then, He's just making room for something greater. No matter what, I have no choice but to trust HIM.
I've come to the realization a while ago, that the Lord has given me a heart for women. I know that spiritual healing and intercession is my ministry. As the Lord is molding me into a virtuous woman and preparing me for ministry and marriage (yes, it is going to happen one day), he is giving me revelations and lessons to pass on. If you know me and my past, I really have NEVER been in a equally yoked relationship. I read about it, I studied what it should be, but actually being in one; a whole different story. Nothing in this life is going to be easy; I knew that, but the type of trials that I was going to encounter, I knew was going to be different and I really didn't want to mess things up. So I purchased a book for myself and for research for ABOVE RUBIES MOVEMENT, entitled Boundaries In Dating written by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. (Great book) Now, to be honesty I bought this book about 4 months ago and I have YET to finish it (lol), mostly because some sections I feel like I knew already because I had learned them from past lessons I had to learn the hard way, but as I skimmed around, I came across a passage that stopped me in my tracks and I have been meditating on it for like a month now.
"...For example, when you pace your relationship, you are giving up things you would like now for a greater benefit later. You are tolerating delay of gratification experiencing frustration, and learning patience. You are learning to care for a person who does not belong to you yet, which is an anxiety-provoking situation." [Boundaries in Dating:Too Much Too Fast, pg. 164]
If ain't the truest thing I ever read! At the time I first read this, it was exactly how I was feeling. Several questions popped into my mind, one of which was: what is the right pace in a Christian relationship? As I pray daily and seek God on somethings in my life, I realized that the lesson to be learned in this season is faith, trust, and patience.
Yes, the Lord hit the pause button on my relationship. Am I heartbroken? Absolutely. Was I mad at God? Yup, sure was. But I see the purpose it in all. I will admit that this has been the most trying season of my life. I felt a dichotomy. On one hand, I understood that God needed us both to complete somethings in our singleness that we thought we had already done, but the task just came and slapped us in our faces. But at the same time I was angry, because I was trying to figure out why the Lord would tease me like that. Why not just hold off on us meeting until we carried out what was required of us? I thought I had this down. I wasn't even the same person that I had been in the past in relationships. I thought I had really gotten a grip on being that submissive, praying, supportive woman.
There were so many thoughts running through my mind. The main one was the fear that if we did pick it back up that things would be awkward. And one little know fact about me is, I am very awkward myself (well that's really no secret. I've just embraced my weirdness lol). Striking up a conversation and getting to know people is hard for me. Heck, it took me and boyfriend a minute in the beginning to even hold a decent length conversation. I was scared. Was he going to realize he didn't love me any more? Was he going to say, "hey, maybe I heard God wrong, maybe this isn't my wife." That fear turned in to angry and me always inadvertently picking an argument every time we did talk.
Well, young grasshopper, everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the Lord has to bring you to an emotionally vulnerable place and make you completely empty before He can give you revelation. If my most prized earthly possession, my growing relationship, had not been snatched from me, I would not have been able to clearly see and complete my mission in this season. I would have just been so caught up in la-la love land (and there's nothing wrong with that in the right time).
We were moving on the fast track, and not taking the time to make sure God was with us every step of the way. And yes, that fear of being the last man standing was settling in during this separation. The bible says be anxious for nothing. Sometimes you have to take a step back, breath, and hit the pause button. Evaluate the situation. Make sure that God is getting the glory in everything. There is a misconception that a relationship is just for your pleasure and companionship, that is true, but it is also designed to be the earthly example of God's relationship with His church. Your relationship must glorify God at all times. A marriage is to be made up of a Godly man who is able to be the priest of his household, and a virtuous woman who can pray for that man and keep him under-girted. Although you will never be perfect, it can't be composed of two broken people because they will do nothing but hurt each other.
I now thank God for peace in this season. It took me a while, but I have finally reached peace, and finally put it ALL in God's hands and trust Him at His word. If that man found me to be his wife and that's what God said, then there is nothing in earth, heaven, or hell that's going to stop that. God's word is not going to return unto Him void. What's for me is for me. And if not, well then, He's just making room for something greater. No matter what, I have no choice but to trust HIM.
Naked pt. 2
I knew that God wanted me to share my testimony but I didn't know the dept of how much he wanted me to reveal. In that past 2 years I identified my daddy issues. I knew that they caused me to have abandonment issues, and caused me to look for love in all the wrong places. And when those false sources of love failed, I turned on myself, asking why was it that I wasn't worthy of being loved correctly. Once I conquered those issues and shared them, I figured my work was done, and now it was time to take my pleasure in what was for me. No, God need me to go deeper.
This 13 year old young lady shared that she was very actively viewing pornography, and although she is not sexually active, she has a very strong desire to be. When this was told to me, the other people involved in the conversation was just so gob-smacked and sadden by this information especially because of her age, but as these word were uttered, I quietly got angry, because in that instant I saw the devil himself, and his demons; the same ones I had battled and knew all too well myself, and I heard the voice of God say "I had to bring you this place to show you this demon so you would know how important every pain and heartache was. I need you to share your testimony but I need you to start form the beginning." So that's exactly what I'm going to do.
From a very early age, I began battling this sexual demon. It was in my preschool years, where my older cousin, who was either a teen or a pre-teen, would touch me very inappropriately on several occasions, and opened the can of worms that had lasting effects on me for years to come. Shortly after those encounters, I found myself acting out sexual acts with female cousins, and friends. Now, I never struggled with homosexuality. That was always a spirit that I was some how, able to keep off of me, by the grace of God. And I thank God for that because it could have been me. Especially because the female cousin that I use to interact with like that in her adult years became bi-sexual. At that age I really didn't have a concept of what homosexuality was or nor did I necessarily desire to be with a girl, I was just doing what I saw adults doing; I was playing "house". As I got a little older I found myself having urges that I didn't understand. Masturbating at a very early age, sneaking watching late night Red Shoe Diaries, and Real Sex on HBO and Showtime.
I remember being in elementary school, around 5th grade, and when the other girls were talking about sex, all of a sudden I had to use the bathroom. And when I had my first kiss at 12 it happened again. I didn't realize at that time, that I was getting aroused. I thought I just was having a bladder problem. What I had been involuntarily been exposed to in the earlier years was turning into a black hole that was getting bigger and and bigger. In those pre-teen years the late night digest of porn and masturbation got to be more frequent and an appetite for what I never had grown ever increasing.
Although, I battled with all of this in secret, and felt guilty and ashamed; praying for forgiveness every morning and being thankful that the Lord didn't just kill me right there on the spot, I knew that I wanted to wait until I got married to have sex. Me and my childhood sweetheart and first love had been counting down the years. And like all childhood "relationships", we broke up. When I hit my junior year, I thought I was in love, and had found someone who I wanted to give that gift to, and then we very publicly and embarrassingly broke up and I felt like I wasn't worthy to be loved and that my gift was never going to be given to someone who would love me the same way I loved them. I then, stupidly, decided to loose my virginity to the rebound guy, who I only knew a couple of weeks.The flood gates were now open wide, and they were compounded by the fact that I never had an example of what the true love of a man was.
All of that equals a terrible recipe for self-disrespect and a cycle of pain. In those last high school years and the majority of my collage years I found myself laying down for people who most definitely didn't deserve my gift, and enduring self inflicted heartache and pain; creating unhealthy soul ties. A beast of an appetite had been created and was running rampant. At one point I was having sex with one particular guy almost every night. I was one step away from an addiction. I had given my heart and body to too many who weren't worthy. The emotional weight of not feeling like enough, of not being loved, and of a desperate search find love and affection (even if it was the pretend kind from myself and a vibrator), got to be so great that the doorway of alcoholism opened and it was also running hand and hand with this sexual demon.
In the mist of my brokenness, I found myself lying in my apartment floor half naked crying out to the Lord, the Lord that I knew in my childhood but walked away from. In that instant, the Lord step in and pulled me out of my foolishness and saved me. Now for a while I felt so dirty about sex. I didn't want anyone to even look at me. Although God forgave me, I felt soooo ashamed of myself for what I had subjected myself to and how I knew I looked to others on the outside. It took a while for me to forgive myself: years. So many times, we keep ourselves bound by our past by holding on to things and not forgiving ourselves. But in Christ there is now therefore no condemnation. Dwell not on the former things.
The things that I had encountered in my early years, I had mentally blocked out and never talked about. It wasn't until that young lady shared that information that I saw the root and plucked it out. In the last couple of weeks, I felt that demon rising up but I didn't get it. I was praying and fasting asking the Lord to keep my mind all the while trying to figure out why I was fighting this off again. I hadn't had those desires in years but here they were again, but this time I knew how to fight, with the word. But as soon as that story hit my ears I was saw that demon for exactly who he was. I now knew what I needed I do and I began rebuking him. This is a something serious and too many times in the church we sweep things under the rug. But deliverance comes from identifying and uncovering the devil and exposing him for the liar he is. The word says to confess your faults one to another. And if I have freedom in Christ, Satan can't continue to use what I have already been delivered from to keep me embarrassed and bound. I have victory, I am going to cry loud and spare not. Speaking life to whosoever needs it. And in this testimony, may God get all the glory!
I don't know who this was for, but I just want to let them know that you are worth it. You are of value, and you do not have to settle. God is a deliverer. HE is the mender of every broken heart, and you don't have to stay in the condition that your in. The spirit is leading me to go in this direction: to all those who were tampered with and is now battling homosexuality, God says get up from there. It wasn't your fault but it is not your end all be all. You have a purpose and value in the KINGDOM. HE didn't make you that way. Do not allow Satan to continue to trick you. God is not the author of confusion. If it don't logically and biologically may sense then you know it's not of God!!! The devil is a liar, and he is just sitting back laughing as he make a fool out of you. There is a war-cry: GET UP FROM THERE!!!!! There is deliverance for you. You just have to accept it. "If my people who are called my name would humble themselves and pray, seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and heal their land."
Father God, in the name of Jesus I thank you for being a mender of broken hearts. I thank you for you grace and your mercy that you show unto us although we are so unworthy. I thank you for your love and kindness you show to us in spite of us. Now God, I ask that you lift up the down trotted, mend the hearts of the broken. Break every chain of sexual immorality. Break every yoke of fear today oh God. I stand in the gap for my brothers and sisters oh God asking that you send your delivering power and save someone on today oh God. Lift every heavy burden. Be a comforter in the midnight hour God. Send peace oh God. Satan I rebuke you in the mighty name of Jesus. You have absolutely no power here. Loose your hold on the people right now in the name of Jesus. I bound you up right now and cast you back in to the pits of hell, you and all your minions in the name of Jesus. Lord you said what so ever is loose on earth, shall be loosed in heaven; what so ever is bounded on earth, shall be bounded in heaven. Right now on God I bind up every sexually immoral spirit, every spirit of insecurity, every spirit of inferiority, every spirit of masturbation, every hunting spirit of the past, of un-forgiveness, of unrighteousness and even as I write this oh God, I bind up any fear that trys to arise, to keep me from hitting the publish button, right now in the name of Jesus. And now God I loose peace oh God, I loose deliverance for your people oh God in the name of Jesus. And God we give you thank for the victory right now God, because we know it was won already over 2,000 years ago when you sent your Son to die on the cross for our sins. We thank you for loving us when we couldn't love ourselves. We thank you for keeping us when we didn't want to be kept.In the mist of our foolishness oh God. We bless your name oh God cause your are worthy of all the praise. God we bless you because we know that you are bigger than any situation. We bless your name because we know that you are able to deliverer us from it all. All the honor and glory belongs to you God because you are that you are. You are God. You are the mighty God. We will forever be in awe of you. We thank you for your unmerited grace and mercy unto us oh God. I thank you for being so mindful of us oh God. And I will be so careful to give you all the honor, glory, and praise. I will forever bless your wonderful name. You are that alpha and omega; the beginning and the end, the author and finisher of my fate. And I thank and praise you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
"I beseech you therefore brethren, by the mercies of God that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, Holy, acceptance unto God, which is your reasonable service."
This 13 year old young lady shared that she was very actively viewing pornography, and although she is not sexually active, she has a very strong desire to be. When this was told to me, the other people involved in the conversation was just so gob-smacked and sadden by this information especially because of her age, but as these word were uttered, I quietly got angry, because in that instant I saw the devil himself, and his demons; the same ones I had battled and knew all too well myself, and I heard the voice of God say "I had to bring you this place to show you this demon so you would know how important every pain and heartache was. I need you to share your testimony but I need you to start form the beginning." So that's exactly what I'm going to do.
From a very early age, I began battling this sexual demon. It was in my preschool years, where my older cousin, who was either a teen or a pre-teen, would touch me very inappropriately on several occasions, and opened the can of worms that had lasting effects on me for years to come. Shortly after those encounters, I found myself acting out sexual acts with female cousins, and friends. Now, I never struggled with homosexuality. That was always a spirit that I was some how, able to keep off of me, by the grace of God. And I thank God for that because it could have been me. Especially because the female cousin that I use to interact with like that in her adult years became bi-sexual. At that age I really didn't have a concept of what homosexuality was or nor did I necessarily desire to be with a girl, I was just doing what I saw adults doing; I was playing "house". As I got a little older I found myself having urges that I didn't understand. Masturbating at a very early age, sneaking watching late night Red Shoe Diaries, and Real Sex on HBO and Showtime.
I remember being in elementary school, around 5th grade, and when the other girls were talking about sex, all of a sudden I had to use the bathroom. And when I had my first kiss at 12 it happened again. I didn't realize at that time, that I was getting aroused. I thought I just was having a bladder problem. What I had been involuntarily been exposed to in the earlier years was turning into a black hole that was getting bigger and and bigger. In those pre-teen years the late night digest of porn and masturbation got to be more frequent and an appetite for what I never had grown ever increasing.
Although, I battled with all of this in secret, and felt guilty and ashamed; praying for forgiveness every morning and being thankful that the Lord didn't just kill me right there on the spot, I knew that I wanted to wait until I got married to have sex. Me and my childhood sweetheart and first love had been counting down the years. And like all childhood "relationships", we broke up. When I hit my junior year, I thought I was in love, and had found someone who I wanted to give that gift to, and then we very publicly and embarrassingly broke up and I felt like I wasn't worthy to be loved and that my gift was never going to be given to someone who would love me the same way I loved them. I then, stupidly, decided to loose my virginity to the rebound guy, who I only knew a couple of weeks.The flood gates were now open wide, and they were compounded by the fact that I never had an example of what the true love of a man was.
All of that equals a terrible recipe for self-disrespect and a cycle of pain. In those last high school years and the majority of my collage years I found myself laying down for people who most definitely didn't deserve my gift, and enduring self inflicted heartache and pain; creating unhealthy soul ties. A beast of an appetite had been created and was running rampant. At one point I was having sex with one particular guy almost every night. I was one step away from an addiction. I had given my heart and body to too many who weren't worthy. The emotional weight of not feeling like enough, of not being loved, and of a desperate search find love and affection (even if it was the pretend kind from myself and a vibrator), got to be so great that the doorway of alcoholism opened and it was also running hand and hand with this sexual demon.
In the mist of my brokenness, I found myself lying in my apartment floor half naked crying out to the Lord, the Lord that I knew in my childhood but walked away from. In that instant, the Lord step in and pulled me out of my foolishness and saved me. Now for a while I felt so dirty about sex. I didn't want anyone to even look at me. Although God forgave me, I felt soooo ashamed of myself for what I had subjected myself to and how I knew I looked to others on the outside. It took a while for me to forgive myself: years. So many times, we keep ourselves bound by our past by holding on to things and not forgiving ourselves. But in Christ there is now therefore no condemnation. Dwell not on the former things.
The things that I had encountered in my early years, I had mentally blocked out and never talked about. It wasn't until that young lady shared that information that I saw the root and plucked it out. In the last couple of weeks, I felt that demon rising up but I didn't get it. I was praying and fasting asking the Lord to keep my mind all the while trying to figure out why I was fighting this off again. I hadn't had those desires in years but here they were again, but this time I knew how to fight, with the word. But as soon as that story hit my ears I was saw that demon for exactly who he was. I now knew what I needed I do and I began rebuking him. This is a something serious and too many times in the church we sweep things under the rug. But deliverance comes from identifying and uncovering the devil and exposing him for the liar he is. The word says to confess your faults one to another. And if I have freedom in Christ, Satan can't continue to use what I have already been delivered from to keep me embarrassed and bound. I have victory, I am going to cry loud and spare not. Speaking life to whosoever needs it. And in this testimony, may God get all the glory!
I don't know who this was for, but I just want to let them know that you are worth it. You are of value, and you do not have to settle. God is a deliverer. HE is the mender of every broken heart, and you don't have to stay in the condition that your in. The spirit is leading me to go in this direction: to all those who were tampered with and is now battling homosexuality, God says get up from there. It wasn't your fault but it is not your end all be all. You have a purpose and value in the KINGDOM. HE didn't make you that way. Do not allow Satan to continue to trick you. God is not the author of confusion. If it don't logically and biologically may sense then you know it's not of God!!! The devil is a liar, and he is just sitting back laughing as he make a fool out of you. There is a war-cry: GET UP FROM THERE!!!!! There is deliverance for you. You just have to accept it. "If my people who are called my name would humble themselves and pray, seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and heal their land."
Father God, in the name of Jesus I thank you for being a mender of broken hearts. I thank you for you grace and your mercy that you show unto us although we are so unworthy. I thank you for your love and kindness you show to us in spite of us. Now God, I ask that you lift up the down trotted, mend the hearts of the broken. Break every chain of sexual immorality. Break every yoke of fear today oh God. I stand in the gap for my brothers and sisters oh God asking that you send your delivering power and save someone on today oh God. Lift every heavy burden. Be a comforter in the midnight hour God. Send peace oh God. Satan I rebuke you in the mighty name of Jesus. You have absolutely no power here. Loose your hold on the people right now in the name of Jesus. I bound you up right now and cast you back in to the pits of hell, you and all your minions in the name of Jesus. Lord you said what so ever is loose on earth, shall be loosed in heaven; what so ever is bounded on earth, shall be bounded in heaven. Right now on God I bind up every sexually immoral spirit, every spirit of insecurity, every spirit of inferiority, every spirit of masturbation, every hunting spirit of the past, of un-forgiveness, of unrighteousness and even as I write this oh God, I bind up any fear that trys to arise, to keep me from hitting the publish button, right now in the name of Jesus. And now God I loose peace oh God, I loose deliverance for your people oh God in the name of Jesus. And God we give you thank for the victory right now God, because we know it was won already over 2,000 years ago when you sent your Son to die on the cross for our sins. We thank you for loving us when we couldn't love ourselves. We thank you for keeping us when we didn't want to be kept.In the mist of our foolishness oh God. We bless your name oh God cause your are worthy of all the praise. God we bless you because we know that you are bigger than any situation. We bless your name because we know that you are able to deliverer us from it all. All the honor and glory belongs to you God because you are that you are. You are God. You are the mighty God. We will forever be in awe of you. We thank you for your unmerited grace and mercy unto us oh God. I thank you for being so mindful of us oh God. And I will be so careful to give you all the honor, glory, and praise. I will forever bless your wonderful name. You are that alpha and omega; the beginning and the end, the author and finisher of my fate. And I thank and praise you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
"I beseech you therefore brethren, by the mercies of God that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, Holy, acceptance unto God, which is your reasonable service."
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Naked pt.1
I always knew my testimony was something I was suppose to share to help deliver someone else. I just didn't know how much I was suppose to reveal and exactly when it was appropriate to do so. I had always carried this short of leeriness that I laid in the background, because I felt that, in the wrong hands, this information could be detrimental, but is God is a God of secrets and darkness? What the devil meant for evil and to bound us with, God will turn that same thing around and make it for your good and for HIS glory. What's the point of holding on to it? Releasing it shows that it has no power over you.
God had to bring me to a breaking point for me to realize what HE was bringing out of me was bigger than and pain or heartache that I was feeling and that what it was going to accomplish was for the breaking of chains and the bring down of strongholds. HE started removing things I loved and isolating me, and I couldn't understand exactly why. I tried to make sense of what was going on, but in those quite moments, when I would hang my ego up and was completely naked with myself I felt like I was going crazy and had completely lost control of what was going on in my life. I was active in ministry (at least I thought I was active enough), I had finally gotten to a place in God, where things that use to be a stumbling block for me, wasn't anymore. I truly had finally after many broken promises and disappointments from man, achieved joy in my life.
When the seasonal transition in my life came, I tried to flow with it and I was praying and fasting, but instead of getting stronger, I felt weaker. It seemed as though God wasn't hearing me. I would ask why, and instead of answering that question, HE would simply say "stand still". After a while I got restless; I couldn't really comprehend what it was I was suppose to be learning from all of this. I got so frustrated that I began desiring anything to keep my focus off what I was feeling. I had a moment when I was hitting the gym really hard, then I got too busy with other things, I then I found myself eating too much, then it was shopping, then kicking it with people I shouldn't have been kicking it with. I was getting mad at my boyfriend, feeling hurt by him and my best friend even though they were just doing what they're suppose to do; looking out for me.
Just as I was feeling like I was loosing a sense of who Brittany was, and backtracking, God spoke. I was in the alter working room at my church, praying for a young lady, with two other seasoned alter workers. I was asked to pray us out. Once I finished, one of the other ladies, said that they should pray for me and my strength, since I had so much on my plate ministry and work wise, and they could tell it was beginning to wear me thin. As they both began praying for me, the spirit took completely over. One lady took over praying for me solely. She then said, "God said that you are the Esther of your generation. You are the gate keeper. You know what holiness is, you are suppose to be that example of holiness. God said that you shall not take part in any pleasure in this season, for you have a work to do. HE says, 'I will send you visions and dreams, and I will show you the devil himself and his demons, but fear not!'"
So of course, I was blown away. I had been told before, that I was Esther, but the other part blew me. That week I tried to pay close attention to my dreams. I thought I had missed something because the only unusual dream I had was that I was pregnant and my mom also dreamed that I was pregnant that week. Originally I took that dream for face value and I was like "Lord are you trying to tell I'm be pregnant soon?!" (after marriage of course), but one of my sorority sisters actually interpreted those dreams, saying that I was about to give birth to something in ministry. Then I said, "Okay, God, I need all of this to make sense to me. What is it that I'm not already doing that you need me to do?" It wasn't until this past week, when one of the young girls that I know bravely shared something very personal, that I got the revelation of my purpose in this season.
God had to bring me to a breaking point for me to realize what HE was bringing out of me was bigger than and pain or heartache that I was feeling and that what it was going to accomplish was for the breaking of chains and the bring down of strongholds. HE started removing things I loved and isolating me, and I couldn't understand exactly why. I tried to make sense of what was going on, but in those quite moments, when I would hang my ego up and was completely naked with myself I felt like I was going crazy and had completely lost control of what was going on in my life. I was active in ministry (at least I thought I was active enough), I had finally gotten to a place in God, where things that use to be a stumbling block for me, wasn't anymore. I truly had finally after many broken promises and disappointments from man, achieved joy in my life.
When the seasonal transition in my life came, I tried to flow with it and I was praying and fasting, but instead of getting stronger, I felt weaker. It seemed as though God wasn't hearing me. I would ask why, and instead of answering that question, HE would simply say "stand still". After a while I got restless; I couldn't really comprehend what it was I was suppose to be learning from all of this. I got so frustrated that I began desiring anything to keep my focus off what I was feeling. I had a moment when I was hitting the gym really hard, then I got too busy with other things, I then I found myself eating too much, then it was shopping, then kicking it with people I shouldn't have been kicking it with. I was getting mad at my boyfriend, feeling hurt by him and my best friend even though they were just doing what they're suppose to do; looking out for me.
Just as I was feeling like I was loosing a sense of who Brittany was, and backtracking, God spoke. I was in the alter working room at my church, praying for a young lady, with two other seasoned alter workers. I was asked to pray us out. Once I finished, one of the other ladies, said that they should pray for me and my strength, since I had so much on my plate ministry and work wise, and they could tell it was beginning to wear me thin. As they both began praying for me, the spirit took completely over. One lady took over praying for me solely. She then said, "God said that you are the Esther of your generation. You are the gate keeper. You know what holiness is, you are suppose to be that example of holiness. God said that you shall not take part in any pleasure in this season, for you have a work to do. HE says, 'I will send you visions and dreams, and I will show you the devil himself and his demons, but fear not!'"
So of course, I was blown away. I had been told before, that I was Esther, but the other part blew me. That week I tried to pay close attention to my dreams. I thought I had missed something because the only unusual dream I had was that I was pregnant and my mom also dreamed that I was pregnant that week. Originally I took that dream for face value and I was like "Lord are you trying to tell I'm be pregnant soon?!" (after marriage of course), but one of my sorority sisters actually interpreted those dreams, saying that I was about to give birth to something in ministry. Then I said, "Okay, God, I need all of this to make sense to me. What is it that I'm not already doing that you need me to do?" It wasn't until this past week, when one of the young girls that I know bravely shared something very personal, that I got the revelation of my purpose in this season.
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