Hitting the Pause Button

I've been going back and forth about writing this post, because there are some things that I'm still working through myself. I would love to be totally transparent, but I do know that I can't share everything, because not everyone wishes me well. But I have to keep reminding myself that my tests and trials are not just for me but to help someone else.

I've come to the realization a while ago, that the Lord has given me a heart for women. I know that spiritual healing and intercession is my ministry. As the Lord is molding me into a virtuous woman and preparing me for ministry and marriage (yes, it is going to happen one day), he is giving me revelations and lessons to pass on. If you know me and my past, I really have NEVER been in a equally yoked relationship. I read about it, I studied what it should be, but actually being in one; a whole different story. Nothing in this life is going to be easy; I knew that, but the type of trials that I was going to encounter, I knew was going to be different and I really didn't want to mess things up. So I purchased a book for myself and for research for ABOVE RUBIES MOVEMENT, entitled Boundaries In Dating written by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. (Great book) Now, to be honesty I bought this book about 4 months ago and I have YET to finish it (lol), mostly because some sections I feel like I knew already because I had learned them from past lessons I had to learn the hard way, but as I skimmed around, I came across a passage that stopped me in my tracks and I have been meditating on it for like a month now.

"...For example, when you pace your relationship, you are giving up things you would like now for a greater benefit later. You are tolerating delay of gratification experiencing frustration, and learning patience. You are learning to care for a person who does not belong to you yet, which is an anxiety-provoking situation." [Boundaries in Dating:Too Much Too Fast, pg. 164]

If ain't the truest thing I ever read! At the time I first read this, it was exactly how I was feeling. Several questions popped into my mind, one of which was: what is the right pace in a Christian relationship? As I pray daily and seek God on somethings in my life, I realized that the lesson to be learned in this season is faith, trust, and patience.

Yes, the Lord hit the pause button on my relationship. Am I heartbroken? Absolutely. Was I mad at God? Yup, sure was. But I see the purpose it in all. I will admit that this has been the most trying season of my life. I felt a dichotomy. On one hand, I understood that God needed us both to complete somethings in our singleness that we thought we had already done, but the task just came and slapped us in our faces. But at the same time I was angry, because I was trying to figure out why the Lord would tease me like that. Why not just hold off on us meeting until we carried out what was required of us? I thought I had this down. I wasn't even the same person that I had been in the past in relationships. I thought I had really gotten a grip on being that submissive, praying, supportive woman.

There were so many thoughts running through my mind. The main one was the fear that if we did pick it back up that things would be awkward. And one little know fact about me is, I am very awkward myself (well that's really no secret. I've just embraced my weirdness lol).  Striking up a conversation and getting to know people is hard for me. Heck, it took me and boyfriend a minute in the beginning to even hold a decent length conversation. I was scared. Was he going to realize he didn't love me any more? Was he going to say, "hey, maybe I heard God wrong, maybe this isn't my wife." That fear turned in to angry and me always inadvertently picking an argument every time we did talk.

Well, young grasshopper, everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the Lord has to bring you to an emotionally vulnerable place and make you completely empty before He can give you revelation. If my most prized earthly possession, my growing relationship, had not been snatched from me, I would not have been able to clearly see and complete my mission in this season. I would have just been so caught up in la-la love land (and there's nothing wrong with that in the right time).

We were moving on the fast track, and not taking the time to make sure God was with us every step of the way. And yes, that fear of being the last man standing was settling in during this separation. The bible says be anxious for nothing. Sometimes you have to take a step back, breath, and hit the pause button. Evaluate the situation. Make sure that God is getting the glory in everything. There is a misconception that a relationship is just for your pleasure and companionship, that is true, but it is also designed to be the earthly example of God's relationship with His church. Your relationship must glorify God at all times. A marriage is to be made up of a Godly man who is able to be the priest of his household, and a virtuous woman who can pray for that man and keep him under-girted. Although you will never be perfect, it can't be composed of two broken people because they will do nothing but hurt each other.

I now thank God for peace in this season. It took me a while, but I have finally reached peace, and finally put it ALL in God's hands and trust Him at His word. If that man found me to be his wife and that's what God said, then there is nothing in earth, heaven, or hell that's going to stop that. God's word is not going to return unto Him void. What's for me is for me. And if not, well then, He's just making room for something greater. No matter what, I have no choice but to trust HIM.