God had to bring me to a breaking point for me to realize what HE was bringing out of me was bigger than and pain or heartache that I was feeling and that what it was going to accomplish was for the breaking of chains and the bring down of strongholds. HE started removing things I loved and isolating me, and I couldn't understand exactly why. I tried to make sense of what was going on, but in those quite moments, when I would hang my ego up and was completely naked with myself I felt like I was going crazy and had completely lost control of what was going on in my life. I was active in ministry (at least I thought I was active enough), I had finally gotten to a place in God, where things that use to be a stumbling block for me, wasn't anymore. I truly had finally after many broken promises and disappointments from man, achieved joy in my life.
When the seasonal transition in my life came, I tried to flow with it and I was praying and fasting, but instead of getting stronger, I felt weaker. It seemed as though God wasn't hearing me. I would ask why, and instead of answering that question, HE would simply say "stand still". After a while I got restless; I couldn't really comprehend what it was I was suppose to be learning from all of this. I got so frustrated that I began desiring anything to keep my focus off what I was feeling. I had a moment when I was hitting the gym really hard, then I got too busy with other things, I then I found myself eating too much, then it was shopping, then kicking it with people I shouldn't have been kicking it with. I was getting mad at my boyfriend, feeling hurt by him and my best friend even though they were just doing what they're suppose to do; looking out for me.
Just as I was feeling like I was loosing a sense of who Brittany was, and backtracking, God spoke. I was in the alter working room at my church, praying for a young lady, with two other seasoned alter workers. I was asked to pray us out. Once I finished, one of the other ladies, said that they should pray for me and my strength, since I had so much on my plate ministry and work wise, and they could tell it was beginning to wear me thin. As they both began praying for me, the spirit took completely over. One lady took over praying for me solely. She then said, "God said that you are the Esther of your generation. You are the gate keeper. You know what holiness is, you are suppose to be that example of holiness. God said that you shall not take part in any pleasure in this season, for you have a work to do. HE says, 'I will send you visions and dreams, and I will show you the devil himself and his demons, but fear not!'"
So of course, I was blown away. I had been told before, that I was Esther, but the other part blew me. That week I tried to pay close attention to my dreams. I thought I had missed something because the only unusual dream I had was that I was pregnant and my mom also dreamed that I was pregnant that week. Originally I took that dream for face value and I was like "Lord are you trying to tell I'm be pregnant soon?!" (after marriage of course), but one of my sorority sisters actually interpreted those dreams, saying that I was about to give birth to something in ministry. Then I said, "Okay, God, I need all of this to make sense to me. What is it that I'm not already doing that you need me to do?" It wasn't until this past week, when one of the young girls that I know bravely shared something very personal, that I got the revelation of my purpose in this season.
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